Our Disney Doesn't Exist

I see your name

on my caller ID

and the warm vanilla tones

of your voice

fills my ears -

the memories

of years gone by

still so fresh

I can smell your cologne

on an old shirt

you let me keep.

We were so close, 

thieves thick with lies

we told

each other

hoping one day

we would live up to them

but never trying

to actually be

who we said we were. 

But who were we?

What were we?

We were a fairy tale

without the happy ending,

a Tinkerbell who found her Pan

who loved the sprite in her

but not when she tried to be human. 

I was the one

you named villain, 

shackled with the blame

of our failed attempts

at something good

(though that is like Captain Hook

calling out Rumpelstiltskin).

We wielded deceit 

with the precision 

of a knight's blade

as though we were trained

to cut deep and true;

but my feelings - 

then and now - 

for you have not waned 

in your absence.  

It doesn't matter now,

but I would do it over again

just to leave you lipstick kisses

and hear your voice

lulling me to sleep

like a siren in the Atlantic mist

making promises 

you'll never keep -

because even to have

your promises 

is better than this silence. 

I answer your call

and wait for the lies

like I am

waiting on Christmas.

This - This - This - 

I must remind myself

is what we wished for.

One Day We Will Meet

I have wished
on every star
that has fallen
out of the sky.

I have prayed
every prayer
my lips
could speak.

I have looked
at every face
that came
my way,
hoping one
of them
would be the one
looking for me too.

But they weren't you.

I don't know when.
I don't know where.
But I do believe
you're still out there.

One day not too soon
I'm going to meet you
under a full moon
and we'll know
it was meant to be
because all this time
you were also looking
for me.

So I'll keep praying;
I'll keep wishing;
and I'll keep looking
and hoping
you're doing the same
because every breath
and every step
are just moments
away
from finding
you.

Alternate Universes

In another place,
another time
I am the woman
I dreamed I would be
and I am living
the life
that'll never be mine.

You're there
by my side,
keeping every promise
you made
and I am
exactly who I told you
I was.

I have it all.

Somewhere -
not here, not now -
my life is good
and I am so proud
of what we've become.

Somewhere,
some how
I am enough.

The Shortness of You

22,958 days
was all you could stay
but it wasn't enough
for anyone who loves you.

I am back
from the edge
of the earth,
and your memory
is all that remains.

The ocean is not as blue,
the birds do not sing
the way they used to;
life has gone on
without you
but I cannot ignore
your absence.

Every second
I am here
and you are not
is a second
I hate
and wish did not exist
because life without you
is no good.

There is no sense
in the end,
no solace
in your silence.

22,958 days
is just not enough.

Hollow Man

You said all the right words
with an easy smile
and a salesman's heart.

Did it surprise you
your words weren't enough
to bring me
to my knees,
flip my dress up,
change who I am,
turn me
into a cheap one-night stand
you could tell
your friends about?

The truth is out,
everyone knows
you're a smiling
Jack O' Lantern
with a hole
where your heart
should be.

You are a blip
in the heartbeat
of my memory -
nothing
I want
or that I lost.

Just another smile
in the crowd.

Your Loss Remains

I turned you on
like a light in the dark
and suddenly
the world felt
brighter than the sun.

But it terrified me -
the light
the heat
the burn of wanting you.

So I turned you off,
clipped the electric current
between us
like a bad breaker tripping
in the middle
of your favorite show.

Now I'm alone
and you found someone else
to turn you on
and tune you in,
let you have it all -
no questions asked.

You've moved on.
I'm without,
but I remain
satisfied in this life,
for I am the golden ticket
you thought I was -
you just weren't
fortunate
clever
or truthful enough
to win me over
as easily as you thought.

You think
it's my fault
I'm in the dark,
but I like it here
and you
are not the bright light
I thought you to be;
you are
just a passerby
on his way
to a less fulfilling
destiny.

Rejection

Blank screens

Empty call logs

Missed glances

Only memories 

of what never was.

We had a handful of minutes 

and promises,

nothing more -

you made sure of that. 

And now?

What is there to say?

No words are as loud

as the silence between us. 

I keep telling myself

it's better this way. 

Maybe tomorrow 

I'll believe it. 

Check Mate?

Every sentence you speak
is like a line I wrote
twenty years ago
when someone asked me
what the perfect man
would say.

Your words move
through me like a tidal wave,
knocking me out
with the ebb and flow
of their syllables.

But what you say
is not the same
as what you do.

Anyone can talk
a good game.
I should know -
I do it too.

So what now?

The words have run out
and it's your move.

Connection

In your eyes
I am everything
I ever wanted to be.

In your arms,
the world falls away
and it's just you and me.

Alone
I wait for you.
I've been waiting
for you
for so long.

Otis Redding
couldn't capture
the possibility
any better in a song.

But I just keep waiting.

Beginnings

Hand to hand,
You hold me close,
Kissing me slowly,
Please don't let go.

I want more;
How about you?
I can't tell
If you want me too.

I say no
But I want to say yes.
I've never been here
and my mind's a mess.

I want to call
Send a bunch of texts;
But if I put it all out there,
What's left?

So I wait and I wonder,
and I leave it to hope.
Maybe you're the one
Who won't let go.

A Declaration

You want my hand
to help you up
and save you,
but I'm in the deep end
drowning too.

What am I supposed
to do now
when you keep
pushing me down?

You are quick-set concrete
on my feet
creeping up my ankles,
my knees,
my thighs,
my elbows,
my neck,
my eyes
until I disappear.

There is no time
for fear.

Sink or swim,
this is not where I end
and you begin.

This is war.

What You Meant To Me Never Meant Anything To You

I used to look at you
and just see your lips,
think of how they felt
so long ago during that kiss
where I swear you felt
something more
than a bulge in your pants
for me.

But that was my fantasy -
the one that I held onto
like a string in the dark,
hoping it would lead me
to safety
to you
to anywhere but here.

I followed that string
right into a wall
where you told me
you felt nothing,
nothing at all for me
then
now
ever.

Now what do I do
with all of this rope?

I can't go back.
I can't go forward.

The last bit of hope
has been fractured
beyond repair.

The fantasy has dissipated
into thin air
like it was nothing,
like I was nothing.

Maybe I was.
Maybe that kiss was just a kiss.

I can't change the past.
I can't make you
see
want
love
ache for me
like I have for you
since I was fifteen.

I can't do anything
but let go
and hope
there is life
after you.