I'm Not There

I'd like to think
you're out there
somewhere
dreaming of me too,
conjuring me in your head
like a birthday wish
or magic spell
and hoping someday
I'll be real.

But maybe you're not.

Maybe instead
you're going on with life
and meeting the next best thing
since you haven't met me
and she's good enough.

Maybe she isn't everything
you want or need
and you know
she might not ever be
who you thought
you'd end up with.

But then again
she's warm to your touch,
her hair smells nice
on your pillow,
her name fits
inside yours so easily,
and she's there
every day
the way I'm not.

I wonder if "there"
is even real.
How can it be
without me?

Security

I have locked my heart

in an iron cage

and thrown away

the only key. 

The heart beats

drumming against

the iron walls

are my only company.

There's no need

to send help

or to try

and break me free. 

Don't you see?

I did this to myself. 

That way

I can't hurt you

and you can't hurt me. 

Ink-Stained Secrets

Every word I write

must be typed or written

in ball point pen.

No
No. 2 pencils

or automatic

click

click 

click 

pencils

I can gnaw the erasers

off of
will do.

Ink-stained regret
that doesn't wash out
with the next wash
is the kind of permanence
I need
when I write
the words
'I love you'.

Words I can't take back
and will never want to
no matter how little
you deserve them.

I write them in a note
that I fold into fours
and light on fire.
Just because
I love you,
it doesn't mean
you have to know. 

This Weight

There is a heaviness

in my heart

that took up residence

when you left. 

It's a permanent 

sort of thing,

this weight. 

A change of address

took place

but nothing changed.  

It is years

of laughter

and tears

and every memory

in between,

this weight,

and I can't seem

to set it down. 

My heart holds on

as it grows stronger

from carrying around

the burden of you

and I know

I will never be rid

of it,

this weight.