The Thing About Hope

Hope isn't a sweet blue bird

of happiness

perched lightly

in your soul 

or waiting

on a high wire

that somehow 

never gets electrocuted

or blown away. 

Hope is a carnivore,

a bird of prey,

watching the fields

below,

waiting to devour

you. 

Hope isn't selfless

or eager to help.

Hope demands

your first born

and your last breath. 

It crumbles your resolve

and makes you stay

when you swore you wouldn't. 

Hope is a bitter thief

who steals your smarts

and makes you dumb,

makes you believe

in the impossible

because just maybe

this time it will be different.

And it never is. 

It never changes.

The only thing different

is that Hope

made a fool 

out of you.

Again. 

And unless you're ready

to shoot that bird

out of the sky,

a fool is all

you're ever going to be.

I Blame John Hughes

I blame John Hughes
every time I open my mouth
to tell you how my heartbeat
is no longer a beat
but more of a ticking
of your name in my chest.
It's a countdown
until you finally see
that I am exactly right
for you.

I just can't seem
to give it a rest,
to let it go
of the ifs
and the whens
and just be
your friend.

You've burned me
to the ground
half a dozen times
but I rise
like a phoenix
over and over again,
still loving you
the way only I do.

It's masochistic,
this love,
but I am addicted
to it,
like you.

So burn me again
and remind me
that life
is not a John Hughes
movie
no matter
how much
I wish it was.

Winter Wilds

The world is shut out
just for a moment
as a white blanket of snow
is laid on the ground.

How silent we all are
as we stare in awe
at winter standing before us.

So still
So peaceful
So quiet.

No matter how low
the temperatures drop
we cannot stop looking
at the white flakes
falling from the sky.

We raise our hands up
and let the heat out
as we dance barefoot
in the cold
like wild banshees
in the wind.

If you listen loud enough,
you might even hear us
howling at the moon.

Irony

If I drew a picture

of the person

I wanted to spend

my life with,

he would look

exactly like you.

How fitting

that I should realize

this as you say goodbye

one final time.

A heartfelt embrace

and an easy smile

is all I'll ever have

of you

but at least I'll know

better for the next time

someone like you

comes into my life.

Winter

It's getting cold again

and they say it might snow. 

I hope it does

because the world

is so much easier

to face

under a blanket

of white silence. 

Fat Girl

Sometimes
I think about
how it will be
when I'm not trapped
in this prison
that is my body.

I cannot move
or breathe
without
the constant reminder
of what I'm not,
who I'm not
and what I can't be
because
I choose food
instead of life
every time I open
my mouth.

Sometimes
I wish
someone
would kidnap me
and make me
be the person
I've never been -
someone strong
and able to resist
the comfort
every morsel gives.

Comfort
I've never known
even in the smallest
gesture
or kindest words.

Why?

Because fat
doesn't deserve that.
Fat is bad.
Fat is disgusting
and lazy.
Fat isn't good enough
for humanity or love.
Fat is less than human,
a zero on a scale
from one to ten.
Fat is nothing.

I am nothing.

You don't see me
because you don't have to
because fat shaming
is not only okay
but expected of you.
It'll do me good
to feel worthless.
It'll do me good
to feel this bad.
It'll do me good
to hate myself
every time I look
in the mirror.

Keep telling yourself
you're just trying help
but I know you're part
of the problem.

We all are.