The Anneslee Poems: Use with Caution

To you,
they are sounds
you make
with your mouth.

They mean nothing.

To me,
they are pieces
of your soul
dripping
from your lips
with every breath.

They mean everything.

Is it no wonder,
then,
you shattered
my heart
with one sentence?

The Anneslee Poems: TKO

You say

"I love you"

with your fists

like a boxer

in a prize fight.

 

You leave

colorful reminders

behind

so I never forget

how much

you care.

 

This is my life

behind closed doors.

 

This is how much

you care.

 

I raise the white flag,

throw in the towel,

surrender my life,

give up.

 

My body can't handle

your kind

of love.

The Anneslee Poems: Thunder and Lightning

Wherever you are,

there I am.

We cannot be

anything less

or more

than what we are

together.

 

You are the charge

in the spark

of my fire.

I am the light

in the sky

of your morning.

 

We burn

down the world

like stars falling.

You are my thunder,

I am your lightning.

 

Always.

The Anneslee Poems: Space Jump

I’ve jumped feet first

into a black hole

with you.

I hold your hand,

you hold my heart,

the world is ours.

We have no beginning

and there is no end.

We are together.

Finally.

The Anneslee Poems: Break

Jack Daniels permeates the air

as you stumble into the couch,

a chair,

the counter –

anything in your way.

You throw punches,

then words,

then look to see

the damage done.

Bone to bone,

I feel my face break

down to my toes

as the flesh of your flesh

splits and tears in two

like my heart.

You bury your fists

in me –

another version of you –

until the fuel burns out.

Two bodies on the floor,

but only one

will crawl out of here.

The Anneslee Poems: Mother

They cut the cord

when they pulled

me out,

but wrapped me

in chains

and handed me

to you,
a little doll
for you
to dress up
and keep
forever.

The chains
tightened
with every breath

as you held me

fiercely
against your chest

and told

the world

I was everything

you’d ever wanted.

I grew
around the chains
and became distorted,
nothing like
the daughter
you wanted
when you
dreamed up
my name
and bought
pink party dresses
that don't fit
me now.

When did you know
I was
never
going to be
good enough
for your love?

Was it my first breath?
Was it my first cry?
Was it my first word?
Or was it the moment
the plus sign
said I was real?

Some women

should never

have children.

Sunday Sorrow

I miss you, 
especially on Sundays - 
your favorite day of the week. 

I hope you're in a better place 
and proud of me. 

I carry your words every day, 
but sometimes 
it just isn't enough. 

Sometimes 
I need more - 
a second helping of love - 
but there isn't any left. 

We just have this one life 
and today 
it isn't enough.

The Anneslee Poems: War Badges

Our mothers

were best friends

and

relationship

arsonists.

There should have been

a warning:

Bridges Burned

After Crossing. 

But we crossed

after them anyway,

following their steps

and dropping lit matches

behind us,

never learning to stay

where the good is.

They're professionals

at leaving

messes

wherever they go.

We never thought

the fire would touch us,

but here we stand,

holding burned hands

and watching

them run off

without us. 

We're lucky - 

not everyone

who touches

their fire

survives.

We wear our scars

 like war badges.

It's all we have.

The Anneslee Poems: The Girl on the Page

I read the words

on the page

and I am the girl

living among

the syllables.

I am she,

she is me

but she is also you.

We are all the same

in print.

The Anneslee Poems: Savior Without a Saint

I’ll be the one

you can

hang your hat on,

throw under the bus

and blame.

I’m the perfect

scape goat –

I won’t go anywhere

fast,

so you can get away.

I’ll be your whipping boy,

I’ll carry your heavy load.

I’ll draw the shortest straw,

I’ll cover you and take the blows.

Give me your sentence

and I’ll serve it without a word.

I’ll forget everything I could’ve had,

let my life be lived deferred.

No one has to know

that it was really your fault.

I’ll shoulder all the blame,

I’ll be guilty by default.

But don’t think for a minute

that I will ever forget

this burden is yours I carry. 

The Anneslee Poems: Relativity

Your smile snakes

across your face,

eager to prove

there’s something more

that binds us

than blood.

But I know better.

I know your secrets –

the ones you only tell

yourself,

hold close to the chest,

pray to Jesus

no one else

finds you out.

But I did.

I saw you

flat on your back

on my bed

like you owned the place,

smashing your face

and body against his –

a man too short

with hair too dark

to be the same man

who gave you that ring

on your finger.

These things

are hard to understand,

you say.

Adults make strange

choices under circumstances

I could never imagine,

you claim.

I hear you.

I’m listening.

But what you’re saying

is nothing new.

Your words cannot skew

the images burned in my mind.

I’ve seen you –

undressed,

savage,

waiting to be ravaged

and this is what

I understand:

you are not innocent.

I know your secrets

and no amount of blood

between us

will make me forget it.

The Anneslee Poems: Free Speech

You part your lips

for the cigarette

and inhale all the words

you should’ve said.

The smoke comes out

bitter and stale

like all the feelings

you keep stuffed in.

If you’d had your wits

about you,

you’d said so much.

But you couldn’t think,

couldn’t speak,

couldn’t make the hate

come off your tongue,

so you brought it home

to stay

like a bad cold

that turns

into the bubonic plague –

killing everyone

with one single blow

of your nose.

Let the hate roll out

of your mouth

instead of down

your throat

and maybe,

just maybe

we’ll make it

until morning.

The Anneslee Poems: Who's Laughing Now?

Your words start to slur

as you take another sip

and tip-toe across

the kitchen, trying not to

trip over your own feet.

When will you see

you’re too old for this?

You pour another

and another

and another,

never once wondering

if one more

is one more too many.

First, it was only at dinners

and parties and lunches

with clients.

Then came the Happy Hours

with swerving drives home

avoiding ditches.

And last comes now, at home,

where you sit alone

trying to remember

the daughter you drowned

in neglect;

your hate-filled hand erected

like a stone statue at my face.

One,

two,

three

hits to the back of the head

where the hair hides

your hand print.

Genius… even when you drink.

You sway so close

I can smell the stink

of all your demons

on your breath

and I just want to disappear,

leave this place

full of hate and fear

until it doesn’t exist,

until I don’t exist

and my name cannot

pass through your sour lips

ever again.

Sleep finds you quick

as I sit and wonder

how I ended up

with a mother

like you.

All I can think of –

the only truth in this world –

is God must have

a sick sense of humor, too.

You Are It For Me

Someday my prince will come.
He will be tall, dark
and devastatingly handsome.
He will be mischievous,
a little devious
and much too smart.
I will need a dictionary
to keep up with him
and he will play guitar.
He will sing me songs
like "Under the Bridge".
He will tell me I'm beautiful
and talented.
He will have a normal life
filled with warmth and love.
His family will embrace me
and make me feel
good enough.
He will encourage me
and tell me to go forward.
He will be there when I lose
hope and my mother.

Someday my prince
will come
and everything
will be as it should.
I will be happy
because he will be mine
and life will be
better than good.

But I catch my breath
when I look
at my list
because I know
that you are my prince.

My someday is you,
but you are my past.
How can my future
already be gone?

In Between the Beats of the Past

You once said
out loud
for all the world
to hear,
but words
only I heard,
that someone
said I was
the love of your life
and you agreed
like you were saying
yes to dessert
or more coffee.

Do you remember
these words
you said so easily?
Did you know
how long
they would haunt me?

How careless
of you to say
my heart's desire
out loud.
How dangerous
a spell you cast
that night,
binding me to you
with no
cure,
no end
to the madness
of what could've been...

Captured
in a moment
so fleeting,
my heart lives
in the beats
of our past
where you
gave me life
and hope
in a sentence.

I am yours
and always was
since the moment
you spoke
me into existence.
You cannot undo me
or free me -
I am yours
and always was.

Almost the Love of Your Life, Not Quite

How many copies
of me
will you go through
before you see
none of them are made
with carbon?

Twenty years gone
like sand
through your hands
and you still think
she's out there -
the girl of your dreams.

Don't you remember
sitting across
the table
at Burger King
and telling me
you'd found her?

Maybe it was
the fish sandwich
talking,
but I thought
you finally got it -
I am her,
she is me,
let your dreams
be answered.

But the next day
came and went
like you'd said
nothing,
like I was nothing
and the someday
I thought
had finally come
was gone.

And we moved on
like always
and you're still looking
like always
for the girl
I could've been
(and was).

Maybe you'll get close
and the next one
will make you happier
than the last.
But I know
better than I know
my own name
I would've made
you happy best.

It Wasn't You

Talking all night

until the sun comes up,

laughing so hard

and for so long 

that we forget

what was funny

in the first place,

smiling until our faces

ache

and our jaws lock,

never wanting this moment

to end - 

I miss all of this - 

not you

because 

the way we were

is the way 

I could've been

with anyone.

Hold On To Me

Like a merry-go-round

the world keeps turning,

but some of us need help

staying on. 

And when our arms

are too weak,

our will not as strong,

we need a little help

to keep holding on.

So grab my hand

when it starts to slip

and never let me go. 

I will do the same

for you

even if you're not someone

I know. 

Let's help each other

stay on this ride

and find joy where we can;

because who knows

what will happen next - 

it's all somebody else's plan. 

Be the Spark

I pull the darkness over me

like a warm blanket;

I don't have the energy

or tools to fight it. 

Daylight is too loud

and I don't want to move;

pain sets my bones on fire,

charring the muscles and sinew.

The words I want to say

never seem to come out.

They are loud and senseless,

so I leave them in my brain 

to roll around

like a bowling ball,

knocking all the good down. 

My scars are invisible to the naked eye,

but that doesn't make them hurt any less.

The bone cage around my heart keeps shrinking,

and only sadness is left. 

The blanket buries me in a hole

that I am not tall or strong enough to climb out,

and I don't know how to ask for help,

afraid to bring someone else down. 

There you are in the darkness,

offering me a hand and helping me up,

pulling the blanket from my shoulders

and telling me today I'm good enough. 

The Musician of My Heart's Song

You tuned the strings of my heart
like you were tuning your guitar.
You strummed your fingers
across my skin
and set my world on fire.

You played me like a Stratocaster,
made music where there was none.
Our song was the sweetest I'd ever heard,
and then in a moment you were gone.

My heart strings are broken,
I cannot find my song.
You have left me alone forever,
and the music is lost.

Robin Williams 1951-2014

O captain, my captain
your toughest battle is done.
Our love and adoration
was just never enough.

How we will miss
all the smiles you gave us,
Your heart was everything -
your humor a plus.

You made us laugh,
you made us cry,
and here we sit silent
asking ourselves why.

You seemed to have it all,
but what did we know?
The sadness kept pulling you down
until you were lower than low.

How empty life must've seemed,
how alone you must've felt,
to think that this was your way out
and no one else could help.

I will think of your eyes like stars,
your laughter like the moon
and I will cherish your time here on earth
even if you were gone too soon.

I hope you are at peace
now that the war within is done,
O captain, my captain
63 years with you will never be enough.

The Nobility of You

I would give
every breath
still to come
just to keep
you safe.

You would give
all the minutes
left
just to keep
the rest of us
free.

To Our Military

You wear no cape,
you have no alter ego.
You might seem
like just a man,
but I know
you're a superhero.

You can't leap tall buildings
in a single bound,
and you're not faster
than a speeding bullet.
You aren't part arachnid
or wearing an invisible shroud,
or some breed of wolverine,
or a jedi-knight-in-training.

You don't have Kryptonite
and you aren't bullet-proof,
invincible, or someone
who will win every fight.

But none of that stops you.
You keep going.
You keep fighting.
You keep hoping
this will be the last time.

And hopefully,
one day you'll be right.

You may not look the part
or wear a costume
with a mask,
but you're a superhero
nonetheless
and I thank you
for every second
of this life
you have protected.

The Anneslee Poems: Vision

You don’t see me.

You never have.

You can’t

because every time

you look at me

you can only see

what you’re not

what I’m not

what went wrong

when I was burst

into the world

two months early.

So stop looking.

The Anneslee Poems: Up in Smoke

You burned me

down to ash

and then begged me

to come back

as if there wouldn’t be any scars

or burn marks

where you lit the match.

But I just kept burning.

Nothing put me out.

I just kept burning

down

down

down

until the ground

absorbed the dust

that was left.

There’s not even space

for flowers

or a marker

or anything

but a shadow

of the life

you snatched

with one scratch

against the box.

There’s nothing

to show

the damage done,

and I’m not coming

back

no matter what.

I’ve had enough.

I’d just rather be a memory.

The Anneslee Poems: The Stories We Tell

She lies

every time

she opens

her mouth.

I lie

only

when I talk

about her.

You

just don’t speak – 

The Anneslee Poems: The Kiss

Eye to eye

I waited,

hoping

down to my bones

that my mouth

didn’t make a promise

I wasn’t ready to keep.

You lick your lips

and lean into mine,

but I hold firm.

I’m not ready

for the follow-through.

You smile

as if you’ve read my mind

and say you only want a kiss.

I let go and give in,

sinking into you,

lips covering lips

until we are one.

You cannot part

from me –

I no longer know

where I start and end.

I am yours.

I always have been.

And all I ever gave you

was just one kiss.

The Anneslee Poems: Right of Survival

Your lips upturn

as if on queue,

falling in line

with the rest of your face.

You do what you have to.

You keep the cadence going

as if the beat of your heart

depended on your feet.

Stop moving. Stop abiding.

Just stop.

The Anneslee Poems: Reflection

I see more than you think –

that look in your eyes

holds more words

than your mouth

could ever speak.

I know what you think of me.

I don’t need ESP

or psychic ability.

You give it all away

like a girl walking the streets –

undervalued, overused and needy.

Don’t bother

looking away now.

I’ve already seen

too much

to see you the way

I used to.

The Anneslee Poems: Past Present Future Past

I see her –

how she looks at you

and I know

it won’t be long.

You never could resist

pouty lips –

the way she turns them on you,

it just isn’t fair.

The way she smiles at you,

it changes the air in the room

like everything you ever wanted

is possible

because she’s by your side.

She is the sun and the moon,

the gravity holding you

down –

oppressing you –

and you don’t even know it.

Who could compete

with a girl like that?

I should know –

I used to be her. 

The Anneslee Poems: Masquerade

I see the cracks

in your mask

and they’re only getting

bigger.

We both know

the face

that you hide

will not stay covered

much longer.

How many times

will you try

to staple and glue

and staple and glue

it back together?

What will you do

when everyone else

can see what I see?

The Anneslee Poems: Lost in Wonderland

Another weekend

down the rabbit hole,

but I found

no potions

to hide me

or keep me safe.

Just once

I’d like to run away

to a place

you can’t follow,

a Wonderland

you won’t go.

The fat grimacing cat says,

“We’re all mad here”

but I’m not

mad enough

lost long enough

or strong enough

to try to find

the right hole

to get lost in.

The Anneslee Poems: Lie To Me

I see it coming

like a freight train

a mile down the tracks

ready to roll over me

but not to stop

at a moment’s notice.

They say the truth

will set you free

but all the truth

does is set free

your need

to get out

as fast as you can

because I’ll never catch

you –

you’re just a boy

dressed like a man.

I see you running,

desperate to escape

an impossible situation

where you cannot save

or be saved.

You’re already out

the door

and your feet

haven’t even moved yet.

This is why

I lie –

nobody wins

being honest.

The Anneslee Poems: Let It Burn

I strike the match

and touch it

to my dress

until I burn up

in smoke

and ash –

a ghost

who can fly away

farther than the moon

away from you

away from this

and all the hate

that swallows you

when you crawl

into your bottle

every night.

The Anneslee Poems: Inheritance

There’s something vile

in me,

like rotten fish carcasses

baking in the hot July sun.

I can’t scrub it off

or cut it out.

Even burning it

leaves the smell behind.

It’s a part of me –

this stench.

It’s a part of the bone and sinew –

the flesh –

I cannot escape.

It’s you. 

The Anneslee Poems: Heart Scars

I remember

your hands –

how soft

they looked,

how hard

they felt

against

my skin

over and over

as they slammed

into me,

trying to mold me

into something

or someone

more like you.

No one ever knew

what those hands could do.

Not like I did.

Not like I do.

Because let’s not pretend

those hands

don’t still leave a mark.

Your handprint

isn’t just a memory to me,

but rather a scar

I’ll have long after you’re gone.