Happy Thanksgiving

I made a list
of all the things you like
from turkey and dressing
to old fashioned Pecan Pie;
but it’s not the same
because I don’t have you
to celebrate the day with
and eat all the food.

I’ll never get used
to not having you here;
it feels just as awful
as it did the first year.
Everyone’s moved on
but I don’t know how
because my moving on
can’t include you now.

I wish you could
share this dinner with me
and every moment of every day,
the good, the bad and the unnecessary.
But never again will I see
your mischievous smile
as you go through the line
and leave with a food pile.

Happy Thanksgiving, Mama,
oh how I miss you.
You’re always on my mind
no matter what I do.
I’ll love you forever
even if you’re not here.
Another holiday gone by,
without you another year.

All there's left to say
is pass me the pie first –
one advantage to your absence
is I get to start with dessert!
Let’s give thanks
for all we had
and I’ll do my best
to not be so sad.

Friends Without Benefits

I hid my soul between the ivory keys
only to be found with the right melody.
I play until my heart beats again
and the wounds you left start to mend.

I play until the sadness slips away,
until I no longer know if it’s night or day.
I catch a glimpse now and then
of the life I’ll never have again –
the life I wanted to have with you
a fantasy where you could love me too.

My fingers ache down to the bone,
and I feel a crack in my heart of stone.
I play harder in hopes my soul will break free,
and in this new life you will finally pick me.

I play until my fingers break
but I cannot seem to feel the pain.
All I can see is you and me
and just how good our lives could be
if only I was the one for you
if only you could love me, too.

The tears fall and my soul is safe,
locked away forever in this place
because I don’t know the melody
that will break the spell and set me free.

The song ends and I cannot breathe
because I know you’ll never see me
as the girl you want to spend your life with;
I’m just the friend without the benefits.

One Last Time

You must've smelled the rot
as you faded from my mind,
so you crept up out of the grave
to try and fool me one last time.

Now the flesh has fallen away
and I can finally see what you are:
just a cage of bones are left now
where there used to be a heart.

You can crack your hands against the door
and keep hoping I'll let you in
but all you are is a bad memory
and I couldn't be less interested.

I can't remember your face
or the sound of your voice;
your smile is dust in my mind,
your words - just more noise.

You thought you hurt me,
that I'd be lost and alone
but now it's you that's coming around
and hoping to atone.

All I have to say to you
is this final message of goodbye:
you aren't ever again welcome here,
not even for one last time.

Bully

I am drowning in your sea of rage
with no shoreline in sight;
your words crash over me
pulling me

down

down

down.

I let your anger fill me,
let the hate swallow me whole.
Then I let the struggle go
and settle into the muck.

Cold currents wrap around me
like your arms never will;
the blackness sucks me in
as I drown.

Your words echo in my ears
as one final beat escapes my heart,
And who I was is gone-
I am a part of you now

Victory

No one ever said
this was a fight
we couldn’t win.

No one ever said
it was a fight
you wouldn’t finish.

The odds weren’t in our favor.
The deck was stacked against us.
The house always wins –
too bad nobody told us.

I held your hand.
I stood by your side.
I did what they said.
We did everything right
but it didn’t matter –
you’re still gone.
I keep asking why
but no answer ever comes.

The odds weren’t in our favor.
The deck was stacked against us.
The house always wins –
why didn’t anybody tell us?

Looking back I see it now,
where it all went wrong –
we were doomed from the start
and they knew it all along.

The odds weren’t in our favor.
The deck was stacked against us.
The house always wins –
I’m glad nobody told us.

Those days were ours
and that will never change
no matter how many times
the house wins.

Countdown

Each time I look
at the lighthouse calendar
my aunt gave me
because the corners
wouldn't stay up
properly
and she knew
I loved night lanterns
on seaside shores,
I see I am a day
closer to you.

So many days,
years even,
have passed
between us
and who knows
what we'll say
when our eyes
meet again.

I tense at the thought
and then smile
because I know
whatever else happens
that seeing you again
will be worth
the six hour
butt-numbing flight
and four hour drive
it'll take
to bring me back to you.

We can't go back
or be who we were.
We can't conjure
the past
and become what we thought
we were going to be.

We can just be
who we've always been -
two people
who know how to move
around each other
and laugh with the ease
and grace and warmth
of the best of friends.

The Fabric of Our Past

The spring flower fresh scent
wafts through the air
as I fold the fabric
one corner at a time
until it is neatly square
and ready to be put away.

Onto the next item in my basket
I pull out a towel
I do not recognize.
It is worn and tattered,
faded and frayed
like my heart.

I hold it up so I can see
the image of some b-rated
gory horror movie
I'd maybe watch on video
but certainly never buy
anything proving
that I saw it.

Somewhere there is a memory
of you lying in the sun,
brown skin sprawled out
warming in the light.
I can see the corner
of a towel in my mind
and I know it is the same
towel I now hold in my hands.

I rip the towel in two
and throw it in the garbage
the way I should've done to you
when you came around knocking
on my door.

I want no part of you
in my heart
in my life
in my house
and certainly not near my body
ever again.