Breaking Free

You were the last thread
in a frayed rope
I was clinging to
and you just cut me loose.

How do I continue
when there's nothing
left to hold on to?

How do I survive
the fall
when you
were never there
to catch me?

My bones shatter to dust
and this is left behind.

Maybe your life will be better,
no burden tethered to you,
no liability to claim.

At last, I am free of you.

Party Trick

I bound myself in chains
like Houdini
thinking I could escape
but the keys I hid up my sleeve
fell out,
and now I'm stuck -
Drowning,
Alone,
Scared
and hoping you'll have a spare key,
boltcutters,
anything,
but you just stare at the mess,
laugh and point,
wondering when the show's going to end.

The air bubble erupts
and I feel death
singeing my insides,
burning me to the ground.

Another magician up in smoke.

The Flood

Water runs down the walls
like tears on my face
with nothing to catch the grief
or keep it from seeing into our lives.

I left your note on the window sill
where I could find it
read it
touch something you touched
before you died.

The water found it
and washed you away.

Now you're just bleeding ink
all over the place.
Your CDs are dripping wet
and scratched from falling down
like my knees when I was a kid
and never listened
to you
when you said "slow down!".

I want to hit rewind,
go back to the beginning,
find you again
and start all over,
put your letter away
from the water
and dry the walls
of my memory
from your tears.

Moving On

How dangerous your honesty flaunts,
not ever knowing what you want.
You heart has a blackness
where deadly secrets come to haunt.

The wind whispers your name while the river laughs at me.
You inflict pain that makes my heart bleed,
and the rain of my tears
feels like I'm drowning in your cruel sea.

I remember your eyes like torches burning up the dark,
eager to steal the life from my heart,
you were ready to play to the end
no matter how much it ripped me apart.

You say you've never been cruel,
that your love is free, but I'm no fool.
You say to play is the only way to win
but this game is rigged and there are too many rules.

You stole my love like an expert thief
and refuse to give it back no matter how much I plead.
I am lost and left alone to grieve.
Forever without you, and incomplete.

Your love rages against me like a hurricane
You're like a drug from which I must abstain
or else I'll be left with nothing
but a soul shattered and in pain.

You think you're safe because you let no one in
You think the object here is to win
But soon you will see you're all alone
and you'll wish you had me in your life again.

I'll go on and where will you be
but all alone with your misery?
I'll patch up the holes and mend my heart,
the wounds will heal leaving only memories.

I'll always have the scars of your love
to remind me of what never was,
but I know you were wrong for me
and it is you that wasn't good enough.

I'll find a way to love someone new,
someone who loves me back without rules.

My Brother, the Captain

Every now and then
I open your closet
just to see your clothes.
Sometimes, I hold
one of your shirts
up close
and inhale deeply
as if it were my last breath.

They always smell like you:
clean and masculine
mixed with whatever
your favorite cologne
was the last time
you were here.

O Captain, my captain
I wonder where you are.
I wonder if you're safe.
I wonder if you're okay.
I hope I'll see you soon.

The moon was full tonight
and I wondered if you saw it too.
I hope the stars are watching over you,
shining on you with love.

They told me you were going away,
but no one could tell me where.
I konw you've gone to some far off land
I've only seen on maps and t.v. -
a place with a name
I cannot spell from memory,
where the desert heat is waiting
among our enemies.

But I'll be right here, My Captain,
smelling all your shirts
because I always know
where to go
when I want to see them again.

And I will keep you with me,
safe inside the folds of my heart,
for there you will be safe
and loved,
forever.

(Written for my brother when he was a Captain before a deployment)

Daddy's Girls

We lay flat on our tiny backs,
gazing up at the stars
with you as our tell-tale guide
on this constellation tour.

Your large, thick fingers
move slowly across the sky,
touching each twinkling
and winking dot
as our watchful eyes
wait for the Big Dipper
to pop out of the onyx night sky.

The soft green, tickling grass
engulfs our necks,
our heads,
our bodies,
as we look past the stars
to you -
our hero -
the smartest man
on Mt. Vernon Street.

You pulled the stars
in the great Texas sky
and handed them over so easily.
We knew then you could, would,
do anything for the three of us.

As we grew older,
the stars seemed to multiply
the farther away we were from you,
but we can still find
that great Big Dipper
in the sky
leading us home to you.

(dedicated to Jack Hayes)

Sunday Afternoon with Dad

82 degrees with a mild breeze
and you ask me to go for a ride.
I look outside and see why -
the sun is shining bright
and a Z3 sits in the driveway
with the top down.

It's just for the weekend, you say,
so I better take my chances
while I can.
I head out the door
as you slip on your CofC Dad hat
to hide your prettier-than-the-bluest-sky eyes
from the beaming sun.

We jump in the seats
because in a Z3 that is just what you do,
and you slide in the key,
check your mirrors,
adjust this and that,
and tell me to buckle up.
Hurry up! is all I can think
as you prepare to start the engine.

We swoosh around curves
like we're gliding on air,
and you take this road and that,
but all I see is sky above me
and a blur of colors as the worly goes by.

The wind is whipping my hair about
but I could care less,
and I look at you and smile.
You smile back
and I know
that even without a Z3
you are the coolest man I know.