A Personality Disordered

Seven days
on Depakote
and I didn't know
myself
or anyone else
anymore.

I was a stranger
in the mirror,
a phantom
in my skin,
a lost cause
no one wanted
to find.

Benzos and Lamictal
make me predictable,
but charged up
like a battery
looking for a fight,
or like lightning
waiting to strike -
but I never do.

I just keep waiting.

Three pills at night
help me sleep,
but sometimes
I dream
bad things
are coming for me.

Maybe those aren't dreams.
They could be memories.

Anyone who'd know
is dead and gone,
so I keep hoping
they're not real,
I'm not real.

High-strung,
too sensitive,
moody,
impulsive,
depressed,
aggressive -
negative words
attached to me,
etched into my brain
like a tattoo.

You assign a label,
then two,
and soon
I need a different kind
of doctor
to do what you do.

How far does it go?
When does it end?

I flush
all the pills
and start again.

Sometimes, a mood
is just a mood.