Winter

It's getting cold again

and they say it might snow. 

I hope it does

because the world

is so much easier

to face

under a blanket

of white silence. 

Fat Girl

Sometimes
I think about
how it will be
when I'm not trapped
in this prison
that is my body.

I cannot move
or breathe
without
the constant reminder
of what I'm not,
who I'm not
and what I can't be
because
I choose food
instead of life
every time I open
my mouth.

Sometimes
I wish
someone
would kidnap me
and make me
be the person
I've never been -
someone strong
and able to resist
the comfort
every morsel gives.

Comfort
I've never known
even in the smallest
gesture
or kindest words.

Why?

Because fat
doesn't deserve that.
Fat is bad.
Fat is disgusting
and lazy.
Fat isn't good enough
for humanity or love.
Fat is less than human,
a zero on a scale
from one to ten.
Fat is nothing.

I am nothing.

You don't see me
because you don't have to
because fat shaming
is not only okay
but expected of you.
It'll do me good
to feel worthless.
It'll do me good
to feel this bad.
It'll do me good
to hate myself
every time I look
in the mirror.

Keep telling yourself
you're just trying help
but I know you're part
of the problem.

We all are.

I'm Not There

I'd like to think
you're out there
somewhere
dreaming of me too,
conjuring me in your head
like a birthday wish
or magic spell
and hoping someday
I'll be real.

But maybe you're not.

Maybe instead
you're going on with life
and meeting the next best thing
since you haven't met me
and she's good enough.

Maybe she isn't everything
you want or need
and you know
she might not ever be
who you thought
you'd end up with.

But then again
she's warm to your touch,
her hair smells nice
on your pillow,
her name fits
inside yours so easily,
and she's there
every day
the way I'm not.

I wonder if "there"
is even real.
How can it be
without me?

Security

I have locked my heart

in an iron cage

and thrown away

the only key. 

The heart beats

drumming against

the iron walls

are my only company.

There's no need

to send help

or to try

and break me free. 

Don't you see?

I did this to myself. 

That way

I can't hurt you

and you can't hurt me. 

Ink-Stained Secrets

Every word I write

must be typed or written

in ball point pen.

No
No. 2 pencils

or automatic

click

click 

click 

pencils

I can gnaw the erasers

off of
will do.

Ink-stained regret
that doesn't wash out
with the next wash
is the kind of permanence
I need
when I write
the words
'I love you'.

Words I can't take back
and will never want to
no matter how little
you deserve them.

I write them in a note
that I fold into fours
and light on fire.
Just because
I love you,
it doesn't mean
you have to know. 

This Weight

There is a heaviness

in my heart

that took up residence

when you left. 

It's a permanent 

sort of thing,

this weight. 

A change of address

took place

but nothing changed.  

It is years

of laughter

and tears

and every memory

in between,

this weight,

and I can't seem

to set it down. 

My heart holds on

as it grows stronger

from carrying around

the burden of you

and I know

I will never be rid

of it,

this weight.

Life Without You

I pick up the phone
to call you

and tell you about my day

but the number I'd dial

isn't yours anymore. 

To say I miss you

will never be enough. 

I still haven't figured out

how to live

somewhere

you no longer

exist

or have never

even visited.

I wish I could go back

and find you again

but even the ghost

of you is gone,

and I feel like

an asthmatic 

always trying

to catch my breath.

There's just never

enough air.

Not here, not there,

not anywhere I look 

because you are gone

and you are not

coming back. 

There's no cure

for the hole

you left in my chest

when you took

that last gasp of air.

We suffocated

together 

even though 

you're the only one

they buried.

I put the phone down
along with the life
I imagined for myself
when you were still here.

Someday I'll remember
I can't call you anymore,
but that day is not today.