The Thing About Hope

Hope isn't a sweet blue bird

of happiness

perched lightly

in your soul 

or waiting

on a high wire

that somehow 

never gets electrocuted

or blown away. 

Hope is a carnivore,

a bird of prey,

watching the fields

below,

waiting to devour

you. 

Hope isn't selfless

or eager to help.

Hope demands

your first born

and your last breath. 

It crumbles your resolve

and makes you stay

when you swore you wouldn't. 

Hope is a bitter thief

who steals your smarts

and makes you dumb,

makes you believe

in the impossible

because just maybe

this time it will be different.

And it never is. 

It never changes.

The only thing different

is that Hope

made a fool 

out of you.

Again. 

And unless you're ready

to shoot that bird

out of the sky,

a fool is all

you're ever going to be.

I Blame John Hughes

I blame John Hughes
every time I open my mouth
to tell you how my heartbeat
is no longer a beat
but more of a ticking
of your name in my chest.
It's a countdown
until you finally see
that I am exactly right
for you.

I just can't seem
to give it a rest,
to let it go
of the ifs
and the whens
and just be
your friend.

You've burned me
to the ground
half a dozen times
but I rise
like a phoenix
over and over again,
still loving you
the way only I do.

It's masochistic,
this love,
but I am addicted
to it,
like you.

So burn me again
and remind me
that life
is not a John Hughes
movie
no matter
how much
I wish it was.

Winter Wilds

The world is shut out
just for a moment
as a white blanket of snow
is laid on the ground.

How silent we all are
as we stare in awe
at winter standing before us.

So still
So peaceful
So quiet.

No matter how low
the temperatures drop
we cannot stop looking
at the white flakes
falling from the sky.

We raise our hands up
and let the heat out
as we dance barefoot
in the cold
like wild banshees
in the wind.

If you listen loud enough,
you might even hear us
howling at the moon.

Irony

If I drew a picture

of the person

I wanted to spend

my life with,

he would look

exactly like you.

How fitting

that I should realize

this as you say goodbye

one final time.

A heartfelt embrace

and an easy smile

is all I'll ever have

of you

but at least I'll know

better for the next time

someone like you

comes into my life.

Winter

It's getting cold again

and they say it might snow. 

I hope it does

because the world

is so much easier

to face

under a blanket

of white silence. 

Fat Girl

Sometimes
I think about
how it will be
when I'm not trapped
in this prison
that is my body.

I cannot move
or breathe
without
the constant reminder
of what I'm not,
who I'm not
and what I can't be
because
I choose food
instead of life
every time I open
my mouth.

Sometimes
I wish
someone
would kidnap me
and make me
be the person
I've never been -
someone strong
and able to resist
the comfort
every morsel gives.

Comfort
I've never known
even in the smallest
gesture
or kindest words.

Why?

Because fat
doesn't deserve that.
Fat is bad.
Fat is disgusting
and lazy.
Fat isn't good enough
for humanity or love.
Fat is less than human,
a zero on a scale
from one to ten.
Fat is nothing.

I am nothing.

You don't see me
because you don't have to
because fat shaming
is not only okay
but expected of you.
It'll do me good
to feel worthless.
It'll do me good
to feel this bad.
It'll do me good
to hate myself
every time I look
in the mirror.

Keep telling yourself
you're just trying help
but I know you're part
of the problem.

We all are.

I'm Not There

I'd like to think
you're out there
somewhere
dreaming of me too,
conjuring me in your head
like a birthday wish
or magic spell
and hoping someday
I'll be real.

But maybe you're not.

Maybe instead
you're going on with life
and meeting the next best thing
since you haven't met me
and she's good enough.

Maybe she isn't everything
you want or need
and you know
she might not ever be
who you thought
you'd end up with.

But then again
she's warm to your touch,
her hair smells nice
on your pillow,
her name fits
inside yours so easily,
and she's there
every day
the way I'm not.

I wonder if "there"
is even real.
How can it be
without me?

Security

I have locked my heart

in an iron cage

and thrown away

the only key. 

The heart beats

drumming against

the iron walls

are my only company.

There's no need

to send help

or to try

and break me free. 

Don't you see?

I did this to myself. 

That way

I can't hurt you

and you can't hurt me. 

Ink-Stained Secrets

Every word I write

must be typed or written

in ball point pen.

No
No. 2 pencils

or automatic

click

click 

click 

pencils

I can gnaw the erasers

off of
will do.

Ink-stained regret
that doesn't wash out
with the next wash
is the kind of permanence
I need
when I write
the words
'I love you'.

Words I can't take back
and will never want to
no matter how little
you deserve them.

I write them in a note
that I fold into fours
and light on fire.
Just because
I love you,
it doesn't mean
you have to know. 

This Weight

There is a heaviness

in my heart

that took up residence

when you left. 

It's a permanent 

sort of thing,

this weight. 

A change of address

took place

but nothing changed.  

It is years

of laughter

and tears

and every memory

in between,

this weight,

and I can't seem

to set it down. 

My heart holds on

as it grows stronger

from carrying around

the burden of you

and I know

I will never be rid

of it,

this weight.

Life Without You

I pick up the phone
to call you

and tell you about my day

but the number I'd dial

isn't yours anymore. 

To say I miss you

will never be enough. 

I still haven't figured out

how to live

somewhere

you no longer

exist

or have never

even visited.

I wish I could go back

and find you again

but even the ghost

of you is gone,

and I feel like

an asthmatic 

always trying

to catch my breath.

There's just never

enough air.

Not here, not there,

not anywhere I look 

because you are gone

and you are not

coming back. 

There's no cure

for the hole

you left in my chest

when you took

that last gasp of air.

We suffocated

together 

even though 

you're the only one

they buried.

I put the phone down
along with the life
I imagined for myself
when you were still here.

Someday I'll remember
I can't call you anymore,
but that day is not today.

Numbers

If I counted the days

from my first breath

to today,

I would find I've lived

12,479 days so far. 

If I counted the days

your heart beat drummed,

I'd see that you lived

just 22,958 days in all. 

I can't imagine

that my life is more

than half over. 

Of course I never

thought yours 

would end so soon. 

The loss

is heavy on my heart,

like a 10 pound weight

hooked in 

and dragging it down

into my stomach. 

It's been 4 years,

which seems like a lot

but then I look

at how many days

you have been gone - 

1,646 days -

and it seems 

so much less

somehow. 

Now numbers

define me.

452

300

7.8

239

34

How empty

the numbers are

that matter so much.

Remembering The Fallen of 9/11

I will not forget you,

my fallen friends,

even if I didn't know you

we are still kindred.

The world stops in silence

and we silently hope you hear

the prayers we say to remember you

every single year.

We light candles

and erect monuments

in the hopes

no one will ever forget

because the sacrifice

you made that day

isn't one any of us

thought we'd have to make.

Almost 3,000 souls

were forced to say goodbye

and so many more since

without ever asking why.

It started out quiet

like any day in September,

but ended with us in mourning

as our hearts burned with the embers

of all that was lost.

We cannot cry enough

or remember you enough

or hope for enough

or love enough.

We cannot, we will not

ever forget.

As Long As My My Memory Holds

Time stopped when those planes hit
but the t.v. showed the footage over and over,
as if maybe the next time it would be different.

I picked up the phone and heard you
but I just couldn't believe it - 
things like that just didn't happen here, right?

Almost 3,000 lives lost prove me wrong.

Fingers pointed, we looked for answers
but no answers came. 
No answers will ever be enough 
for the cruel way our security blanket
was ripped from our clutched hands
like children forced to see the world
with adult eyes and broken hearts.

Where were you 
when the world changed,
when a tattered flag was raised
over the rubble of our hearts
and the fallen?

I remember that day clearly
like it was just a moment ago
and the thought of it 
fills my heart and my eyes
until all I can do is cry.

I reach out my hand to you
and hold it tightly in my own
because no matter what happened then
or what happens now,
I am proud to stand by you,
free and brave in this country I love
without fear,
without ego,
without anger,
without hate.

Terror will not win.

Unrequited

Months ago

you burned

my hopes

up in smoke

with five words

it took

eighteen years

to say,

"It's not you,
it's me,"

and one phone call,

one hour later

all is forgotten. 

I am exactly right for you,
don't you see?

Of course you do.

But it's me,
not you,
who's blinded
by a dream
of what will never be.

Because
I love you too much
to ask you
to settle
for me,
no matter how good
I would be
to
for
with
you.

Loss

You split me open

and scooped out

the good stuff - 

everything worth knowing,

everything you loved. 

Then you stuffed me

full of paper

and stitched me back up

so that no one would notice

you took more

than your cut. 

Why is all of me

still not enough? 

It's like eating

the pie filling

but never the crust.

Nothing good is left

except the crumbling flour dust. 

I fall apart

without my heart

to pump

the blood

to my hands

my head

my feet

my knees

and I can't breathe.

I am hollow

to the bone,

a shell

of the being
you used to know.

You took it all
and never thought twice
about the lack of life
you left behind.

I could name you enemy
or thief,
but what's the point?

It won't change
how easy
it was for you
to leave
or make you
come back
to the nothing
that is left of me.

Settle In

I feel the urge to take root

as if I am a potted plant

trying to bust through

the plastic or ceramic

and dig into the dirt

with my fingers and toes

until they are buried deep

in the earth. 

Each day the yearning

grows and I know

it is for the dirt here,

not back home

where all the memories

of you 

are interwoven

into the trees,

the ground, the grass

and everything

in between. 

I need space

that is my own,

where I can spread out

my roots, 

my branches

and leaves, 

where I can let loose,

where you 

aren't a part

of the landscape

except for where I
(and only I)
choose.

The space here
is an infinite breath
I inhale and never release.
It is magnanimous
and full of relief
all at once,
with the sun forever lingering
upon a horizon
too far out of reach.

My heart is as wide
as the open land
around me
and I have never felt
more free.
I stretch out my arms
like plant limbs
and wait for my roots
to set in.

Observer

You turn up at the places
I wanted to go
with you
and take pictures
with her
because she's your person
and I'm the substitute
waiting in the wings.

I'm on standby
for a flight
that always seems
one passenger too many
so I wait.

I just keep waiting
because waiting
is better than admitting
there's nothing to wait for.

You seem happy
and I'm glad
but I wish just a little
that it was me
who made you smile
like that
when the camera blinked
its shutter
over and over
at all the places
I wanted to go with you.

Turn Out the Lights

Seventy-one days
of sun
and the only thing
I want is rain.

It's hard on the eyes -
all that sun.

It dries up your soul
and makes you feel
thirsty for a life
that  doesn't exist
in December.
But Christmas
doesn't exist in July -
so which would you
rather have?

I like the rain.
I like the overcast
and the grey.
I like the cool chill
of winter
kissing my neck
and whispering
frosty words
in my ear.

The sun seems to stay
too long
this time of year.

The light burns
across the sky
before even the Lark
can sing its tune
to the dawn
and the sky
stays lit
until even the owl
begs for night.

The day
prolongs itself
like an unwanted
houseguest
and I just want
it to leave.

Go now
and take the sun
with you.

Defiance (Love Conquers All. Even 8th Grade Bullies)

Sweaty palm
to sweaty palm,
I tightly held
his hand
by my side,
away
from prying eyes.

No one needed
to know he
was mine
and I was his -
for just a moment
of teenage bliss.

But then the whispers
started;
and words
like "whore", "slut",
and "traitor"
were spoken
in the same space
as my name.

He held my hand
tighter,
unafraid and unashamed.
She'd let him go
for another
like he was just another bull
in her boyfriend rodeo.

I hid my face
in his shoulder
as the whispers
grew louder.
We sank below
the horizon of the seats
and hoped
everyone would leave
us alone.

They didn't know.
They didn't care.
They heard one side
and never bothered
to ask mine.

One word of a lie
became two words
of the truth,
me against you
and words said
you
can never take back.

The windows
on the bus
fogged over
as we all rode
quietly
into the dark.

And then came
the light.

Blind for a moment
until gasps
and focus
revealed
your whispers
had become
writing
on the windows
for everyone
to read,
to laugh at me,
a friend
you so easily
made an enemy.

Whore.
Slut.
Traitor.

I let his hand go
and gave you
what you wanted,
but it was never
enough.

You always wanted
more,
to somehow prove
you were more
than I ever could be.
But what you never saw
was that he didn't want more,
he just wanted me.

I reached for his hand
and held it tight.
Sweaty palm
to sweaty palm,
we were ready for you,
your words,
your followers -
anything.

Because words
on windows
wash away,
but his hand print
on mine
will last forever.

Death and Skittles

All the colors of the rainbow
couldn't save you
from the color of your skin
or a bullet
aimed at your heart
by a hand
shaking with fear
and anger
at "people like you".

The law
may be in tact
but your life
is not. It ended
where you dropped
to the earth's floor --
stopped short
at seventeen
with Skittles in hand
and a hoodie
that won't keep you warm
anymore.

You were a stranger
in the dark
and now you're gone --
a childhood ended
one February night
because one man
couldn't just stay
in his car
and leave you alone.

We are a nation
wild with unrest
that negligence
is somehow still
innocent.

But the law
says something
different
and we all have to
live with it
or change it.

But not you.
Never you.

Your life stopped
before you
ever really got to live.

You'll never vote
for a president
or have a say
in the law
that offered you
no justice.

You'll never go
to college
or buy your first car.
You'll never own a home
or get married.
You'll never witness
the birth of your children
or bury your parents.

Your life ended
before it really began
with one gunshot
to the chest
as a pack of skittles
fell from your hand.
We'll never know
what happened
but one thing
will always ring true:
not guilty
does not mean
not responsible.

Long Live Red Lips

I never had the face of youth.
It was like I went
from twelve to twenty-two
and my face didn't change.

Makeup stains
and lipstick wonder
brightened my day
so easily
and you
stopped
to stare
at the red
I painted
across my lips
just the way
I wanted you to.

It was so simple
for a while -
the blonde, blue-eyed girl
that made you look.
Then age intruded
on us
like a scolding parent,
eager to keep the discovery
slow and snail-paced.

I still have that shade
of lipstick
and every once in a while
I swipe it across my lips
just to remember
what your stare
felt like.

Day into Night into Day

The sun burns to the ground
as all the lights go out
and darkness drops
like a curtain on the day.
No trees or light posts
stand in its way
as the world turns over
on itself into night.

It is quiet,
a welcomed silence
I have been waiting
for all my life.
I sit in the dark
and inhale
the solitude;
let it slip around me
like a summer afghan
my grandmother made
me when I was nineteen.

I let my lungs deflate -
all the hope
of the night
goes out with the air.
The night is like the day -
you're still gone
and I'm still alone.

The only thing different
at night
is that the light
is gone too.

Solitude

You've moved on 

so I tried to, too,

but how do you move

forward 

when you're at the end

of the road?

There's no turn,

no detour,

no path carved

out

letting me know

I can be found

again. 

Am I lost

or hiding?

Even I don't know. 

But the solitude

gives me

more than you

ever did

and that's enough,

isn't it?

No. 

It's more. 

It's everything.

Shedding the Skin of Our Youth

I watched you slip out of sight

as I drove out of town

and out of your life

like it had all been nothing

serious or worthwhile. 

No tears fell

for you or what was

because I knew

what was wasn't real. 

It wasn't the fairytale

or the second chance

for a high school romance

gone bad. It was just comfort

and punishment -

a different kind of pain

to help us forget

the pain of everything else

because everything else

was just too much

to deal with alone

at the time. 

Three years 

have disappeared

since then 

and suddenly

there you are

smiling

cheek-to-cheek

with another girl

in the paper. 

I always knew

there'd be someone new

standing where I stood

like I was never there - 

not once or twice

or for life

like you wanted

(a prison sentence

I wasn't comfortable with). 

It was your way

of moving forward

and it looks like

you've done it -

found your way

to a new life

where I am just 

what was,

not what is

or what will be.  

My way was to leave

and never see

your face again,

knowing you and I 

weren't right

for the second time

or ever again

just like we weren't right

the first time around. 

You look happy,

but it's just a picture

and I have a few

of my own

with that same look

on your face

and we both know

how well that went. 

Maybe you just take

good photos

when it counts

because all the other times

when the camera

wasn't out

you were always 

looking

somewhere else,

for someone else

to keep you going

like I was never enough

even though

you said I was

over and over

like you were hoping

if you said it enough

it would be true.

Or maybe you 

just wanted me

to believe it too. 

I don't know

but I certainly hope

this girl is enough

to keep you focused

on her

and her alone

because you both

deserve

to be enough

for each other. 

I smile at the thought

and toss the paper

out with our memories - 

I don't need them

anymore

now that I know

I didn't break

you 

twice.

Welcome Back To Your Life

I see your face

as you walk my way

and I can't help

but smile

because your face

isn't like any other

and today

isn't like any other

because I am here

with you. 

It's been a while

but you've made it through,

walked on fire

and reached the other side

of a life

you didn't think 

had another side

because you couldn't see

anything you wanted

beyond what you wanted

right now. 

But I knew better - 

I've been there too - 

and here we are

on the same side

staring eye to eye

at everything new

and our wasted youth

we've left behind. 

I knew you were better

and now you do too. 

Do you see it - 

the silver lining

and crystalline horizon

waiting for you?

We embrace the moment

and each other

for just one breath

and then you're gone - 

off to wander

the world

with new eyes

and a smile

I haven't seen 

since you were a child

of eight or nine, 

before the hurricane

of your life

washed you out to sea. 

How good it feels

to know

you are no longer

aimlessly wandering,

but moving about the world

engaged

and ready to learn.

A Woman Unchained

I am a woman
unchained,
ably capable
of breaking away
from the lines
you've drawn around me
that never fit
to begin with
because
she doesn't exist.

She is a fantasy
I will never be
and don't want to
because she is
a shadow
stick figure
with no words
or heart,
just scars
from where
she's cut,
trying to
escape
the mold
you shoved
her in
without even asking
if that was who she
wanted to be.

I am a woman
unchained
thanks to ever woman
who broke the mold
before me
and refused to submit
to your version
of what a woman
should
look like
say
dress like
be.

I proudly move
through this life
free to be who
I am
and not who
you think
I am.

I am a woman
unchained.

Another Birthday Without You

As the sun sinks below

the skyline

and day gives way to night,

I light a candle

to honor you.

Today, 

you would have been 

another year older

if you had lived past

sixty-two,

but Cancer had other ideas. 

I did too. 

I had career changes

and wedding plans, 

the pursuit of happiness

and second chances - 

everything in a life

you can imagine

that needed you

and your opinions.

Now

I just have this candle

and it will burn to the ground

or until the wick burns out. 

No wishes will be made tonight. 

No cake will be served. 

No party hats will be adorned. 

No gifts will be exchanged. 

It's just me and a candle

and an unused wish

sitting on the balcony

as the scars of your loss

bust my heart and the dark

wide open for no one to see.

10,825 Days

When you sit down

and count out

how many days

we had together, 

it seems like a full

and robust number.

But it's not. 

It is a life cut short,

bucket lists

forever interrupted,

a broken chain

of events

never to be connected

again. 

10,825 days is not much

when someone you love

is the one

who didn't make it

to 10,826. 

Time to Climb

I can see Mt. Baker

from my window

as it rises towards the sky

like a white pyramid

of rock, snow and ice; 

and it is like all 

of the things

I want to do

in my life - 

beautiful

distant

too much all at once.

From here,

the climb

seems possible,

but up close,

it's too high 

in the clouds

and I cannot

breathe 

thinking about

each step

it would take

to reach the top.

And what if

when I get all

the way to the tip

and there's nothing

to see? 

It is all the CAN'Ts

and WHAT IFs

I've said to myself,

all the dreams denied,

because I just couldn't see

if what was on the other side

was worth my time. 

But time is short-lived

and the world

won't turn forever.

It's time to throw

on my snow boots

and grab my gear,

and stop speaking

in the riddles of "if"

and let the hope in.

Who knows

what comes next,

but standing still

isn't working

and even one step

forward is still

movement.

Mt. Baker

is my mountain

and it's time 

to see

what's on the 

other side.

Even if there's

nothing there,

just reaching

the summit

is enough.

Land On Me

I am like a tree
with roots buried deep,
and problems that grow
deeper than my roots
can reach.

And the root of every problem
comes back to being brokenhearted
every time you don't say
the words I want you to.

You're like a bird
who landed on me,
and in one fail swoop
I was underneath
your feet
ready for you to walk
all over me.

You can fly away
any time
without a word
or wave goodbye.
But I'm stuck in the earth
with no place to go
except where I am
with a perfect view
to watch you leave.

I wish I could shake you loose
every time you land
so I never have to feel
the emptiness when you leave,
but I'm stuck here
waiting on you
and hoping
the next time you land,
it'll be to stay.

Gone

I read the lines

and could hear your voice

telling me

everything I didn't want

to hear. 

I'd been waiting

for so long

for you to say

something,

anything,

that I never thought

what I would do

if what you said

was that you didn't 

pick me

love me

want me

need me

the way I

always knew

you would

because the thing is

years ago

you were the one

saying something

different,

telling me

I was the one

you'd looked for

all your life - 

a title too big

for one girl

to wear

and one

you weren't 

qualified

to give. 

And so

I've just been here

sitting and waiting

on someday,

not realizing

that someday

came and went

without me

even noticing. 

It went without

a hint

it was going

or even a goodbye. 

It went without

a kiss on the cheek

or spending one

last night

pretending

it would stay. 

Maybe it was gone

before I got up

or before

I even fell asleep.

Maybe it was gone

the moment

those words

left your lips

and I was too lost

in the sentiment

to know better. 

It doesn't matter

when someday

came and went.

It only matters

that it's gone.

Grey Sunday Afternoon

Grey skies
outside,
which match
my mood.

Bright and shiny
has been missing
for a long time
now.

I close my eyes
and go back to sleep.
Maybe the world
will see the sun
tomorrow.

Maybe I'll wake up
and smile.
Maybe I'll even laugh.
Maybe a lot of things
will be different.

But today,
grey skies and sleep
are all I've got
and for once,
I'm okay with that.
Sleeping in never felt
so good.

Coming Clean

My heart is stained

by your smile

and I can't seem

to rid myself of it. 

I could try Pine Sol,

bleach, acid or fire

to burn it clean,

get the stink off me

but that would kill me too.

Sometimes it feels

like I can't live like this - 

without you,

without this want

for you

that's been one-sided

for so long. 

But I have to,

carry the stain of you

until my breath leaves me

for the last time. 

If only I could have

stained you too.

Severance

Sometimes
when I think
I've gotten past it,
moved past you,
the phone rings
or a text comes in
and there you are again.

I can't breathe,
the wings beat
against my insides -
butterflies aching
to be free.

And I just want you,
just as much as before
and then in a blink
you're gone again
like it never happened

And I can't breathe,
can't feel my heart beat
or anything else.

All I can think of
is to say "Please",
not because I want you
but because
I need you

to let me go.

Waiting

The phone rings
and I wait for you
to answer.

I'm always waiting
for you,
for her,
for someone
to be there for me.

It's an epidemic,
a plague,
I cannot escape -
this constant waiting.

It's like living a life
on pause,
in mid-sentence
or in mid-breath.

No relief,
no movement
forward
or back,
just the stillness
of what is.

I just keep waiting.

Then, I hear your voice
and the beast
that was lurking
deep
in the murkiest
waters of my soul
settles down
as you say hello.

He's always waiting, too.

Coming Home

I step off the plane

and immediately 

feel the weight

of the humidity

as I walk

towards the gate. 

The sweat

rolls down my back

making my shirt

stick

uncomfortably

and I know

I better make

a pit stop

before I see you.

The overnight flight

didn't do me

any favors

and my hair

is matted

to my face

as if I stuck

my head

out the window

as we were landing. 

I slip into

a different dress

and try to soak

up the stress sweat

with toilet tissue

and paper towels.

I must look a mess

as I head out

of the bathroom.

A moment later

I see your face

searching the crowd

and our eyes lock.

I've been gone too long - 

I can tell 

by the way

you look at me, 

searching for the changes

and the familiarity. 

You hold me

in your warm arms

and though

I'm already so warm

I can barely breathe,

I bury my head

in your chest

for as long as you

will hold me. 

For the first time

in my lifetime,

I feel at home

and I never want

to leave.

Whatever you do,

don't let me go

when my two weeks

here are over

because I don't know

how long it will be again

before I can come back

and I can't take you

with me.

Burn

I drew a picture
of what I thought
I looked like
and realized
it's not me at all.

It's just who I wished I was.
It's who others want me to be.
It's an ugly fantasy
that pins me down
and suffocates me.

I light a match
and hold it to the corner
of the paper.
The flame crawls
up the side
and the image
floats up into smoke
and ash.

The mirror is my enemy,
you're either with me
or against me.
I'm beautiful
even if I don't see it
today
or tomorrow.

You and the ashes
can just float away.

Some Sort of Happy

I feel the sleep needles
in my toes
and know it won't be long
before my lids
give in
and shut.

My sweet faced feline
nuzzles in for the night
and surprises me
with a lick
from her sandpaper tongue.
She's found her spot
in the crook of my elbow
and once she's settled,
I'm settled too.

This isn't the life
I pictured
all those years ago
when I imagined
what my 30s
might look like.
But it is my life
and it's good for now.

Birthday Moments

Blow out your candles
and eat your cake.
Let me just watch you
as you clean your plate
because this is a moment
I never want to forget.

I remember the day we met
and how our eyes locked.
It was then that I knew
my life wouldn't be the same.

I don't know if you felt it, too
but it's a snapshot
of our lives
I carry with me in my heart
and it sustains me
in the darkest dark
and sings to me in the light.

Close your eyes
and blow out your candles
because I don't know
how long we'll get,
but I'm holding your hand
and you're holding mine
and this is a moment
I'll never forget.

Insecurity

Words on a page
stare back at me,
but they do not say
anything.

They are empty,
whispers
of what could be
if only
I was someone else,
someone
who lives
outside of the box.

I like the box.
I like living in the confines
of life
and my mind,
but it never lets me
be
think about
have
anything more
than what I have
right now.

I crumple the words
and throw them away
because I know
they will never say
what I need them to.

Best Laid Plans

I ripped my heart

from my chest

and left it

gift-wrapped

in the finest

paper

on your door step

of your front porch. 

Too bad

I didn't know

you only use

the side door.

I thought I had

the perfect plan;

nothing was left

to chance. I hid

in the bushes

and waited,

hoping to see

the happiness

on your face

when you 

discovered 

my gift. 

The sun rose

and set

but you

never came. 

My breath

wheezed

and the beats

lessened,

but still 

I waited. 

The moon

lit up the night

and glowing eyes

peered back 

at me,

but the present

sat alone

still waiting. 

My blood

ran cold,

my eyelids

dropped low

and you,

you never came

in time

to save me.

So much

for the perfect

plan,

the romantic

gesture,

the sacrifice

I made

that you'll never see.

What did I prove?

Death comes quickly

to an empty chest.

Up in Smoke

Your words
ended
an 18 year
love affair
we'd had
in my mind
and now
my thoughts
are empty.

I have nothing
to say
but I can feel
the embers
of hope
still burning.

The phone rings
and there you are
again
like nothing
happened
and I just sit
quietly
and listen
as you talk
about yourself
like you always did.

For you,
everything
is the same.
I wish
it was that way
for me, too.
But the life
we could've had
went up in smoke
like feathers of hope
on fire.

I'd be a liar
if I said
everything was fine,
so I say nothing,
like always,
like my heart
is whole
and beating strong
in my chest
instead
of ash
floating
in the wind.

Shadow Dweller

Your words
are my shadow;
they follow
me wherever I go.

I can't rid myself
of their bitterness
or the bite I felt
when I heard them.

It's like you're saying
each syllable all over again
and I cannot breathe,
speak
or think
of anything
but how much
I wanted you
to just be quiet.

Silence was the one gift
you never gave me
until it wasn't yours
to give,
and now all I want
is to hear your voice,
even those words
that hurt,
again.

Instead
I am stuck
with your words
like the shadow
I cannot escape
except in the dark
where I cannot stay.

Like a Tree, Ever Growing

Like a tree,

ever growing

towards the sky,

I keep reaching

higher,

hoping I'll fly

like a bird

on a summer's day

and never touch

down my toes

on the land below

because all I want

is to fly away. 

But I can't do

anything

but reach

because I am root

and soil,

stuck to the earth

unable to move

forward.

I can only grow up

and out,

and hope one day

the wind will take me

away

from this place,

and bring me 

back home

to you

where I 

was always

meant to be

in the first place.

I still keep hoping

for nothing

I can touch

or taste or see - 

just love

I can feel 

in my bark

and heart. 

Like a tree,

ever growing,

I never stop

because I know

maybe someday

my leafy tips

will finally hit

the clouds.

Finish Line

Lines drawn on the road
and I know
I'm almost home;
just a few more beats
under my feet
before I cross
over to easy street.

Flash and a sound
louder
and closer
than it should be
throw me to the ground,
and I cannot breathe.

Screams
drown out
my heartbeat
that seems to have stopped
or is beating so fast
it is not
one beat per thump
but
one long wave
of fear.

My lungs burn
with smoke and dust
while my legs
are numb
from what
I don't know.

Something's
happened
and a moment
later
skin on skin
helps me up
and moves me
forward
until I can find
my way
across the line.

I don't stop.
We won't stop.
I push my body
until I get beyond
the line others
have stopped
before me
and I keep going.

This is
who we are
who I am
who we will be
forever
plus infinity
because we are now
and always will be

free.



(In honor of the events at the 2013 Boston Marathon)

Reflection

There is a girl
in the glass
that I can see
out of the corner
of my eye.

Sunlight
shines
from her hair
and Atlantic waves
roll in her irises
like a pending storm
on the horizon.

Full lips
and a gentle-tipped
nose
complete
her look.

How I wish
my lines
could mimic
the lines
I see in the glass.

But she is not me.

She is a stranger
I catch a glimpse
of when I don’t try
to see her,
a ghost in the glass
I never catch
looking back
 
and she is lovely.

Lost in Translation

I listen
and take in
the words
you say,
how you
say them
and hear
what you
really mean.

You always
speak
in "I" and "me"
as if you
are the only
one
that matters
on this planet
of seven billion
or more.

It's a language
I do not understand
or speak myself
but I keep trying
as if my deaf ears
have betrayed me.

I keep listening
but hear nothing
because first person
is not second nature
to me. I'd take a bullet
for you
because that is me,
my weakness,
my incurable disease,
my cross to bare
as you run from the room
the minute you see
the sleek black barrel
of the gun.

We aren't the same
but I keep to the script,
pretend like I hear you
and understand
even though I don't,
and probably never will.

Control

You pulled the strings
too tight
and when they popped
you were surprised
as if you didn't know
you were pulling
too hard.

I still bare the scars
from all the fights
we had over the years -
me running
and you yanking me
back
like a dog on a chain
trying to run away
but never getting the chance.

Innocent
and loyal to a fault,
a kick to my stomach
if I didn't do my part
like a feral cat
you refused to put down
and never would let out
again once you
captured me.

You held me down
and smothered me
until I bit you back.
Then you took
my teeth
like that
wasn't barbaric.

When others come by
and I lie obedient
at your feet,
they never see
what you've done.

They just see
how well
you've trained
me to stay.

Words

Your words stick
to me
like a second skin
I can't get rid of
or remove.

They follow me
everywhere I go -
I can't escape.
You made sure
of that.

It's like you etched
them on the folds
of my brain
and every thought
I have
contains
you.

If only
they were words
of love
instead
of words you used
to tear down
to create a better me
like you
were some kind
of Frankenstein -
single minded
after a goal
that made no sense,
that nobody else
could see
but you.

You brought
me to life
but
I wasn't what
you'd dreamed of
when you whispered
so many words
into my ears,
wishing
and hoping
for more.

Now the monster
is loose.
What do you do?
You burn the words
into me like a brand
so that I cannot stand
to be touched
anywhere your breath
has landed upon me.

I am suffocating
beneath your words,
struggling for air
that you have not breathed
before me.

I wish I could shed
this skin,
you
like a snake
in the grass
or under a rock.

I would hide away
from you
and your words
if only
I weren't me.

Shy

I stand in your shadow
and shrink myself down
until I am inside
your chalk outline.

Look as hard as you like
but you won't see me.
I blend in
even though I wish
I could stand out.

I am the background paint,
the slate grey fading
as the sun rises.

I wouldn't know what to do
with all that color.
I slide back behind you
and stay where I belong.

The Kitty Tribe

Adopted strangers
living under one roof,
you depend on me
and I depend on you
as we move
towards life.

We are elastic,
connected,
growing
and stretching,
testing
each other
to see
if we'll stay
forever
or run away
the first chance
we get.

Love
is staying
afterwards,
when the scars
heal
and the wounds
are just memories.

I close the door
and look around.
I'm still here
and so are you.

We wrap ourselves
in each other
and fall
into sleep,
giving up the day
to our dreams.
I'll be here
when you wake
and you will
be here too.

This is my new life -
spending my nights
with a band of kitties
I call my kitty tribe.

(In Honor of National Pet Day)

Christopher

Our paths
have differed
over the years.

You've gone
your way
and I've tried
to go mine.

I know sometimes
it seems
I've gone awry,
but I always know
how to get home.

You taught me
truth.
You kept me
safe.
You showed me
love.
You pushed me
forward.
You forgave me
everything.

Miles may separate us
but we know who we are.
You are my brother,
my hero, my friend
and family,
my heart,
my love,
my home.

(In honor of National Sibling Day, I celebrate my brother)

Separate But the Same

Take a minute
to pick up the phone
because you never know
how my life is
until you can ask
me yourself
"how's it going?".

I want to know
you and how you are
but the words
run from me
before I can speak.

I never know
what to say to you.
It's not that I
don't want to talk
or share
or confess
because I do
every time I open my mouth.

I'm just always
the problem
and never the answer.
I wish I was more
or less
than who I am now
because maybe then
I'd know how
to be around you
without wondering
if you think I'm an idiot.

Because I kind of am.
Aren't we all?

The world is finite
and so are we,
so let's not try
to make our history
the only future
we have left.

You are my heart
and you always
have been
even if I
am just a stone
in your favorite shoe.

We are one
of the same
but still different,
genetic
but yet separate,
which means
you are love,
blood
and everything
in between.

I
support
forgive
cherish
choose
you-

not because
I have to
but because
I have loved
you since the first moment
my lungs held a breath
and it's an ache
my heart
refuses to forget
no matter how many times

you
wound
forget
hate
don't choose
me.

We are connected
forever plus ten
because in the end
there is no choice
to how this life goes
or how we fit
in it.

We just do.
Me and you.
One heart
divided
between
us two.

Long Live Regret

One bad choice
can lead to a lifetime
of regret
but I
would rather have
our memories
to forget
than wonder
what if
every time
I see you.
There are too many
ifs in that sentence
for me to sleep
soundly at night.
Give me the regret
and I'll give you
the best
time you've
ever spent,
showing you
what the difference
is between me
and all the girls
that came before
and anyone
who might come after
because I know
better
than to assume
this is going to be
forever.

Regret

Three years
have come and gone
since I moved
3000 miles
to a place
I'd never been,
never seen,
never knew how to find
on a map
until I had to.

I've settled in now,
rooted down
in a space of my own.
You'd be proud
if those slate blue eyes
could still see me.

I've come back
a couple of times
only to run away again.
Nothing is the same,
maybe it never will be.

Maybe it never was
what I thought it was
in the first place.

I want it back -
the life we had before.
I want to change it all,
be different, do more
because then maybe
I'd still have you
to get advice from,
come home to,
share stories with
instead of the granite
and flower pots
that sit in honor of you.

I'd tell you my secrets
and listen when you spoke
instead of always thinking
I know what you're gonna say
next. I'd live in the moment
and let you live there too
instead of always waiting
for the other shoe to drop.

I never used to regret,
I thought it was useless -
we can't change the past,
only learn from it.
But now I feel it -
the anguish and pain
of "should have", "could have",
"would have" and "if only".

Now I know
how it feels
to live among the ifs,
forever
outside the lines
of happiness
like I was forgotten
here the day you left.

What I wouldn't give
to undo it all
if only
I could be the person
I should have been,
then I would be
all that you dreamed I was.

Insomnia

It's just after 3am
and I can't sleep.
I never really sleep
anymore. I just close
my eyes
and wait for daylight.

The day slips by
without a second glance
and it's night again.
I lie in bed
and try to think
of  a way
to break
the pattern.

When did I sleep last?
Was it before you
or after?
Was I alone?

I can't seem to remember
the answers.

The thoughts in my head
rotate like the blades
of the box fan
I keep on
even in winter -
the air stays cleaner
that way.

It comes back to me
in a flash
like a lightning strike
before dawn
and I remember
the last time slept,
really slept
as if the world
didn't exist
beyond my next breath
and it was in the womb.

Thirty-three years later
I'm still hoping
tonight's the night
I will rest again.

Someday

Everyone told me
you weren't the one
but you never said
anything
as if even you
were still deciding,
still mulling over
if you could be
more
enough
something different
than what you were.

One kiss
One night
Never one word
of warning
that I was in this alone.

Eighteen years later
and you finally tell me
you never felt the same
never wanted more
never looked at me
with the love
I hoped you would someday
feel.

Someday came and went
and what is left?

Six thousand five hundred seventy days
of ifs
is all I have
like I should've known
that what was good for you
that what I could give
and how little I'd ask for in return
wasn't ever going to be
what you wanted.

You have freed me
from the prison
I stuffed myself into
all those years ago,
trying to become someone
I was never going to be -
someone you could love.

I should thank you
for my liberation
but why
did you wait
so long?
What do I have
to look forward to
now?

Take back your words
and lock me back up.
Throw away the key
and let me wait
for someday
to come again.

The Absence in our Present

The words aren't the same
as they were before.
They don't sound different
and they're still spelled the same
but I can't hear
the possibility
in them anymore.

It's like hearing
a song
sung by a man in love
and then hearing it again
after his heart is broken.
The words and notes
did not change
but whatever it was
that made you love
and connect to it
is different.

The love is gone.

We are a melody
that never found
its voice -
a song no one
ever wrote.

We are words
that never found
a sentence -
a story no one
ever told.

I don't miss you
because you're still here.
I don't miss what was
because nothing happened.
I don't miss the memories
we shared
because we never created any.

I just miss the ifs
that I never said out loud.

Spring Awakening

I can tell Spring is near
the frog symphony
outside my window
is evidence enough.

The darkness retreats
from the light
and whispers
of warmer temperatures
linger in the air.

The skeleton branches
of the hydrangea
is now covered
in green leafy skin
and soon its blooms
will adorn the plant
like bright and shining
baubles adorned
for a night on the town.

Soon the bones
of winter
will breathe again
and we will all laugh
in flowers.

Beachfront Daydreams

I daydream

about southern beaches

and warm white sand

I can bury my feet in

as the waves lap at my feet

like a puppy

begging me to play,

wishing I were there

instead of stuck

in the middle of this overcast

wayward Pacific Northwest spring

unsure if it's here to stay.

I can almost feel the hot salt air

whispering across my skin

when a brisk burst of cold

hisses in my face.

Soon I will see you again,

my sweet southern shore

and I will wrap myself

in your sandy arms

until it is a daydream no more.

I blink the ocean lull away

and notice the sun has come out,

all the world shines green

and I remember

this is paradise part two.

Flower Soldiers of Spring

It's April now

and I can breathe

easier

than two weeks ago

but there's still an ache

like the remnants

of pneumonia

or some flu

that stays with me

since the day you left.

The sun is out

and the flowers

are starting to bloom.

It's your favorite time

of year - 

and maybe mine too.

I remember you

smiling bright

under a too-wide

brimmed hat

in the sun

and southern spring heat,

burying your hands

deep

in the earth

with bulbs and seeds,

ready for the new life

to color the yard.

It is your happiness

that still catches

my breath

and burns me

from the inside out

like a disease

that won't leave.

It's cool here

this time of year

but the tulips

and daffodils 

are coming up

in droves,

lining roads

and fields

like soldiers

of happiness.

You'd love them

and that makes 

the ache

fade just enough

so that I can breathe

a little easier

than I did before.

Allie Cat

Your green eyes search mine,
afraid I am going to hurt you
like somebody else before me
may have,
or at least you think they did
in your unexposed mind.

From that moment,
I knew
I was meant for you.

I brought you home,
all wild and untamed,
claws out
and ready to strike
if I said or did the wrong thing.

I, too, am a bit wild
and untamed,
but ready to love you
no matter how many scratches
or bite marks
you leave on my skin.

We grow together
for twenty-three days
until your last breath
in my arms
leaves me
empty and tearless,
and unable to breathe
myself.

You'd think I'd be a pro
at saying goodbye,
but my sides still ache
from the words
I don't want to say
yet again.

I kiss you
as you slip away
and I feel the cracks
in my heart
bust wide open.

Living in the Rear View

The April rains are here to stay
but all the flowers have died.
The veil of grief has never lifted,
no matter how many smiles I've applied
to my face in hopes that faking it
would make it true.

But the lie never becomes the truth.

You are still gone
and I am still alone-
a motherless child
too far away from home.

I see your face in frames
with a smile you rarely wore,
and I wish that those moments
weren't frozen,
that you'd been happy more
back then
when everything that I thought
was so hard
could never be
as hard as everything
is now.

And the rain just keeps pouring down.

Life keeps going without me
like it's no big deal,
like nobody in the world
even cares how it all makes me feel.

It's as if the sun has vanished,
gone into hiding for good
and it's absolutely fitting
for this unshakeable mood
I seem to be in
since the day you left.

Maybe I just need more rest.

Or maybe I just need you back
and all the good and bad that comes
with your return.

If I could, I would bring you back-
yet another human who hasn't learned
that they never come back
the same as they were

but I don't care

because I'd have you
here with me.
where you should be
and the world would make sense
for the first time
since a moderately mild Monday
in March when you went away.

Bitter

I listen.
I hear you.
Every syllable
of every lie
you speak.

You
handle me with care
and sing my praises
like you're my assistant
instead of a love interest.

I wish
I had super powers
and could make your words
burn
burn
burn
into nothing
like the smoke
you blow into me
when I can't breathe
instead of the oxygen
I need.

You suffocate me
with what could be
and then abandon me
for what is.

Sure, let's still be the friends
we've never been
so I can be your fall back plan
when you decide
that you want
the love of a lifetime
you thought I could be
before she became
the new love of your life.

Past Behaviors Predict Our Future

You said things wouldn't change.
You lied,
and this is why
I didn't waste my time
five months ago
driving four hours
to see you
because I knew
it wouldn't take you long
to do
exactly what you’re doing
now.

Sure,
you could be caught up
in the afterglow
and newness
of the physical touch
of love
I never offered.

Or
you could just be that guy –
the one you were
all those years ago
when you discovered
you weren't the center
of my universe
or anyone else’s
and walked away
without a word
as to why
or when you’d return.

I don’t know
what to think,
and I realize
maybe
it doesn't matter
because
if you decide
to come back around
you might find
I’m not here
to welcome you
home.