I Felt Myself Sinking

I felt myself sinking,
toes first
into the pluff mud
of my life,
slipping away
one piece
at a time.

The darkness rose
like an island,
pulling more of me
further down
and before I knew it
or could say a word,
I had already drowned.

It was that quick -
the silence -
and you were nowhere
in sight.
I guess if you looked
from a distance
I always looked fine.

Or maybe
you just never looked.

My Hometown

You are filled with history

and controversy,

ghost stories 

and monuments

of a time long gone. 

But you will not let go. 

You hold the past

with an iron fist

dug into the ground, 

anchoring us

to a sinking ship

no matter how hard

we try to swim, 

we know what's going down.

We struggle

against hurricanes

and heartache, 

rebel flags

and white rage,

sins of the past

and present mistakes. 

It just never ends. 

I escaped. 

I moved away. 

I found somewhere

I could breathe again,

where the humidity

didn't win

every time 

I walked out the door, 

where memories

didn't surface

every time

or any place I drove.  

Then I came home. 

And the only change

I see

is me. 

Strangers

I wanted more,
I wanted to be yours;
but you said you weren't ready -
it was all just too much.

Years changed us
but not how I felt.
Then you said the words
I'd waited for since we met -

And I was still not enough.

Somehow we made it through
and something honest began,
but it was like trying
to hold onto smoke.

You disappear
and reappear
like a bad magic trick.
I don't know about your life,
you don't know about mine.
We know nothing
because we don't ask
or talk or try.

Maybe
we were never really friends,
just two people
walking in the same direction,
occasionally making conversation.

Maybe
we were
but that was then,
and now -

I don't know you at all.

My Heart Is A Barrier Island

My heart is a barrier island

with bridges and inlets

keeping the world at bay. 

It's untarnished by hate,

wild with the overgrowth

of unchartered love. 

The ocean beats

against my shores,

beckoning for explorers

to come. 

No one does. 

I pull the bridges up

and withdraw

into the brambling forest

of loneliness. 

Like Old Clothes

You tried me on
to see if I'd fit -
my intellect
and your wit
could make it
work right?

But that isn't it -
there's more skin
and sinew -
too much for you
and the wrong color
too
I imagine.

You tried me on
once before
to see how I'd feel
but you took me off
in an instant -
something wasn't right
but you didn't know what.

We were friends
and then nothing.
You just put me back
in the closet
and left me hanging
until you were ready
to try again.

Two times you tried,
just enough
to be sure...
but it's not you -
it's me -
so you traded
me in for someone new.

Who?

Discarded, unfit...

It's time
to quit
wondering
if I'll ever find
someone to keep me.

Chris Cornell

Your mind was a garden
of rhythm and words,
sung out in four octaves,
touching the wounded souls
in this world with gentle hands.

Your mouth was a white flag,
begging for forgiveness
and peace,
whispering prayers
to anyone who'd listen.

We learned your words,
we sang along,
but we never listened.

No one does.

The darkness swallowed
you up like a black hole
and we all stand shocked
in the sunlight of today,
wondering what went wrong?

You had everything, didn't you?
What shadows followed you
besides your own?

We'll never know.

Your life ended
before we could find
the right questions.

Say hi to heaven for us.

Time

It's been 2,975 days
since I saw you take
your last breath.

I struggle to catch mine
each time
I think of you
as my eyes blur and burn
with sadness.

We had so much still to do -
together,
separately -
but life goes on
without us
and our plans.

Everywhere I look
there is a memory
of where you once were,
where you stood,
something you said,
your smile, your hurt.

An ache builds in me,
pain screaming out
just to have you back again.

But no one is listening.

My voice is silence
in their ears -
much like it was
to you most of my life.

I fold into myself,
into this void
created when you left.

I cannot catch my breath,
I cannot imagine a life
without you
no matter how hard I try.

2,975 days becomes 2,976
and then 2,977...

We all just keep going
like the second hand of a clock
who does not realize
the minute hand
stopped
8 years, 1 month, and 22 days
ago.