Monday, December 23, 2013

The Thing About Hope

Hope isn't a sweet blue bird
of happiness
perched lightly
in your soul 
or waiting
on a high wire
that somehow 
never gets electrocuted
or blown away. 

Hope is a carnivore,
a bird of prey,
watching the fields
waiting to devour

Hope isn't selfless
or eager to help.
Hope demands
your first born
and your last breath. 
It crumbles your resolve
and makes you stay
when you swore you wouldn't. 

Hope is a bitter thief
who steals your smarts
and makes you dumb,
makes you believe
in the impossible
because just maybe
this time it will be different.

And it never is. 
It never changes.

The only thing different
is that Hope
made a fool 
out of you.

And unless you're ready
to shoot that bird
out of the sky,
a fool is all
you're ever going to be.

I Blame John Hughes

I blame John Hughes
every time I open my mouth
to tell you how my heartbeat
is no longer a beat
but more of a ticking
of your name in my chest.
It's a countdown
until you finally see
that I am exactly right
for you.

I just can't seem
to give it a rest,
to let it go
of the ifs
and the whens
and just be
your friend.

You've burned me
to the ground
half a dozen times
but I rise
like a phoenix
over and over again,
still loving you
the way only I do.

It's masochistic,
this love,
but I am addicted
to it,
like you.

So burn me again
and remind me
that life
is not a John Hughes
no matter
how much
I wish it was.

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Winter Wilds

The world is shut out
just for a moment
as a white blanket of snow
is laid on the ground.

How silent we all are
as we stare in awe
at winter standing before us.

So still
So peaceful
So quiet.

No matter how low
the temperatures drop
we cannot stop looking
at the white flakes
falling from the sky.

We raise our hands up
and let the heat out
as we dance barefoot
in the cold
like wild banshees
in the wind.

If you listen loud enough,
you might even hear us
howling at the moon.


If I drew a picture
of the person
I wanted to spend
my life with,
he would look
exactly like you.

How fitting
that I should realize
this as you say goodbye
one final time.

A heartfelt embrace
and an easy smile
is all I'll ever have
of you
but at least I'll know
better for the next time
someone like you
comes into my life.

Sunday, December 1, 2013


It's getting cold again
and they say it might snow. 
I hope it does
because the world
is so much easier
to face
under a blanket
of white silence. 

Fat Girl

I think about
how it will be
when I'm not trapped
in this prison
that is my body.

I cannot move
or breathe
the constant reminder
of what I'm not,
who I'm not
and what I can't be
I choose food
instead of life
every time I open
my mouth.

I wish
would kidnap me
and make me
be the person
I've never been -
someone strong
and able to resist
the comfort
every morsel gives.

I've never known
even in the smallest
or kindest words.


Because fat
doesn't deserve that.
Fat is bad.
Fat is disgusting
and lazy.
Fat isn't good enough
for humanity or love.
Fat is less than human,
a zero on a scale
from one to ten.
Fat is nothing.

I am nothing.

You don't see me
because you don't have to
because fat shaming
is not only okay
but expected of you.
It'll do me good
to feel worthless.
It'll do me good
to feel this bad.
It'll do me good
to hate myself
every time I look
in the mirror.

Keep telling yourself
you're just trying help
but I know you're part
of the problem.

We all are.