Fat Girl

Sometimes
I think about
how it will be
when I'm not trapped
in this prison
that is my body.

I cannot move
or breathe
without
the constant reminder
of what I'm not,
who I'm not
and what I can't be
because
I choose food
instead of life
every time I open
my mouth.

Sometimes
I wish
someone
would kidnap me
and make me
be the person
I've never been -
someone strong
and able to resist
the comfort
every morsel gives.

Comfort
I've never known
even in the smallest
gesture
or kindest words.

Why?

Because fat
doesn't deserve that.
Fat is bad.
Fat is disgusting
and lazy.
Fat isn't good enough
for humanity or love.
Fat is less than human,
a zero on a scale
from one to ten.
Fat is nothing.

I am nothing.

You don't see me
because you don't have to
because fat shaming
is not only okay
but expected of you.
It'll do me good
to feel worthless.
It'll do me good
to feel this bad.
It'll do me good
to hate myself
every time I look
in the mirror.

Keep telling yourself
you're just trying help
but I know you're part
of the problem.

We all are.