Mindfulness

3600 miles driven through twelve states
Only four of us left now
Half of our lives are still in boxes
The other half we left for the repo man
or whoever was there for the taking

We found a lamp at the local thrift store
to replace the three lamps we couldn’t fit in the truck
Each day we find another item we are without
and wish we’d made better use of that 16 feet
that I packed for three days before we left.

I make more lists now
of things we need
of adventures we had
of lives lost along the way
of places still to visit
of why we’re still here
of why we should go home.

But home isn’t what it used to be
and maybe it never will be again
This way, thousands of miles between us
I can remember it how I want to
and no one can tell me any different.

Here I can be whoever I want to be
and my heartaches are not public knowledge
and my sadness is mine to hold
and my worth is my own to determine.

But here you are not with me
You are just memories and intangible moments
I cannot grasp or get back
and as the snow falls around me
I feel that old life fading away with the last
of the autumn leaves.

I let myself fall on the white floor of the earth
and feel the coldness around me
I wave my arms and legs about me
until a snow angel forms underneath me
and for this moment I am grateful
for all 3600 miles
for all the losses and failures
for my one great adventure.