Living in the Rear View

The April rains are here to stay
but all the flowers have died.
The veil of grief has never lifted,
no matter how many smiles I've applied
to my face in hopes that faking it
would make it true.

But the lie never becomes the truth.

You are still gone
and I am still alone-
a motherless child
too far away from home.

I see your face in frames
with a smile you rarely wore,
and I wish that those moments
weren't frozen,
that you'd been happy more
back then
when everything that I thought
was so hard
could never be
as hard as everything
is now.

And the rain just keeps pouring down.

Life keeps going without me
like it's no big deal,
like nobody in the world
even cares how it all makes me feel.

It's as if the sun has vanished,
gone into hiding for good
and it's absolutely fitting
for this unshakeable mood
I seem to be in
since the day you left.

Maybe I just need more rest.

Or maybe I just need you back
and all the good and bad that comes
with your return.

If I could, I would bring you back-
yet another human who hasn't learned
that they never come back
the same as they were

but I don't care

because I'd have you
here with me.
where you should be
and the world would make sense
for the first time
since a moderately mild Monday
in March when you went away.

Bitter

I listen.
I hear you.
Every syllable
of every lie
you speak.

You
handle me with care
and sing my praises
like you're my assistant
instead of a love interest.

I wish
I had super powers
and could make your words
burn
burn
burn
into nothing
like the smoke
you blow into me
when I can't breathe
instead of the oxygen
I need.

You suffocate me
with what could be
and then abandon me
for what is.

Sure, let's still be the friends
we've never been
so I can be your fall back plan
when you decide
that you want
the love of a lifetime
you thought I could be
before she became
the new love of your life.

Past Behaviors Predict Our Future

You said things wouldn't change.
You lied,
and this is why
I didn't waste my time
five months ago
driving four hours
to see you
because I knew
it wouldn't take you long
to do
exactly what you’re doing
now.

Sure,
you could be caught up
in the afterglow
and newness
of the physical touch
of love
I never offered.

Or
you could just be that guy –
the one you were
all those years ago
when you discovered
you weren't the center
of my universe
or anyone else’s
and walked away
without a word
as to why
or when you’d return.

I don’t know
what to think,
and I realize
maybe
it doesn't matter
because
if you decide
to come back around
you might find
I’m not here
to welcome you
home.

You and Your Love Songs

I looked up
and there you were
as if you'd been there
all along.

Our eyes met,
my heart dissolved
and every word
became a song
that you'd written
just for me.

Too bad I didn't see
that you wrote
songs for everyone.

Then a wind blew
and took you away,
as if notes
were just floating
in the sky
waiting to disappear.

And words
were just words
again
as if they always
had been
and I was the only one
who'd heard the music
in the first place
like I hallucinated
you.

I refused to move,
I waited for you
but all that was left
was your absence.

Gut wrenching silence
twisted my insides
like the butterflies
used to
and all I could do
was wait.

I withered to dust
in the unforgiving sun,
and I wondered
as I faded if you knew
that I was there waiting,
hoping you felt
just a little
of all that I had felt for you?

Surely, if you had
you wouldn't have
left me there
rotting,
anchored in the mud
of your melodic promises
you never knew
I expected you to keep.

You would have
come to my rescue,
my knight
in tarnished armor-
all fairy tale
forever afters implied.

But there is nothing
left now,
just bone fragments
and dust bunnies
of music notes
and guitar strings.

The silence is deafening
and I wish I never missed
the way you sang
when you sang to me
the way you never miss me
now that I'm gone.

Muscle Memory

It's not deja vu.

It's the muscle memory
of the heart
from when you
and I tore
the dream
apart
like it was only ours
to ruin.

It's not round two
for us to try again
and make it work
when it never did
because we're older
but none the wiser
or better
for the mistakes
we made.

It's the glass
we shattered
and tried to repair
without all the parts
to make it whole again -
it may look the same
but the water will always
find it's way through.

It's not a record
we ever should play again -
it's worn with the scratches
and gashes of our words
and pain.
It can't sound the same
no matter how much our ears
want to hear the notes
we remember.

It's just noise
now;
no melody
and we need
to let it rest.
It's just history
we didn't learn from
and muscle memory
that won't let us be.

Please Leave, Now Don't

I say the words
that will make you go,
make you leave
before you
can hurt me.

You think I'm someone
I will never be -
a golden girl
with all the right words
who'll make you happy.

But what do I know
about happiness?
Is it smiling the way I do
when you call or text?
Is it laughing at your jokes
because even when they aren't funny
I love that you tried?
Is it wanting to call
every time
anything happens?

You don't see
anything but gold
but what you don't know
is that I bend
more easily
than you think.

I can't take any more dents
in my armor -
nothing gold holds true
and you don't know me
the way you think you do.

I'm a phony,
iron to the core
with a shiny coating
to make you believe
I'm more.

I say the words
I know will make you go
but what you don't know,
what you can't see
is how sad it makes me
when you leave.

Please Come Home For Christmas

The lights glitter
and twinkle
as you weave
each strand
in and out
for hours
until it seems
like the whole
tree
is glowing.

You select each
glass ball,
crocheted snowflake
and sparkling ornament
one by one
until they dangle
from nearly every branch.

Your hands wrap
the hooks securely
in place
and what was once
a bunch of bare twigs
is now full
of love and light.

Every year
it was the same
but four years
have come and gone
and it's all changed.
You're not here
and neither is your tree.
The lights are blown,
the glass balls are broken
and my heart is burnt out.
Please come back
and light me up again -
you've been missing
long enough.