Faith

Your palm print

leaves permanent

stains where your hand

once was

and I know

you will never let me go.

When I close my hand

with rage,

pain

or sadness,

you hold it tightly

until the storm has passed.

When I reach out

for assistance,

I know you are with me

even if I cannot see

your hand in mine.

Our hands are intertwined

forever - 

no matter what

my eyes see,

my heart knows

the difference.

Older Doesn't Always Mean Wiser

You think age
makes a difference,
that a number
equals experience,
but it doesn't.

It just means
you're older than me.

How dare you
compare
our lives
like we've walked
in the same shoes
down the same path
with the same people.

I've never looked
at you and seen myself
or thought I knew you
better than you
know yourself.

I am not you
and you are not me,
and you never will be.
And I don't think
that because you're older
that you're better.

You're just older.

Live and Let Live

I can't keep up with you
no matter how hard
I try
because you
follow no path,
have no rhyme
or reason
to why you do
the things you do.

You just do.

I wish I was more like you -
free to live
how I want,
say what I want,
be who I want.

But I'm not.

I'm too busy trying
to keep up with you
or change you
to be more like me.

Maybe I should
just worry about me
and let you worry about you
so that we can both be
just who we are.

Like Our Parents Before Us

I hear your words
fall out of my mouth
like my teeth did
in that dream
when I was fifteen
and afraid of growing up.
They say
that dream
is normal,
but hearing your words
in my voice
doesn't feel normal
or good
or like I'm becoming
more adult
saying them.
They feel
wrong
and just as bad
as they did
the first time
I heard them.

Love

Show me
all of your colors,
the reds and blues
of your moods,
the yellows of your fears
that no one else knows,
the greens of your jealousy
and all the ways
you wish you could be,
the charcoal blacks
of your hate
and unhappiness,
the white and pinks
of your light
and perspicacious smile -
every hue
that is you.

I want to see them all.

Birthday Wishes

In 10 days,
I will celebrate
another birthday
without you.

It is the sixth time
I've had to do this
and it never gets easier.
I wish it would.
I wish a lot of things,
like that you were still here
and I could have
just one more day with you -
one day where I knew
it was the last one,
where I could take in
every smile,
every laugh,
every frown
and tear shed,
all of it
seared into my memory
because the last day
with you
was like many others
and I didn't know
I wouldn't get any more
so I took it
and you
for granted
like always.

If I were to light
all the candles
on your cake
and blow them out
for you,
I'd wish
for just
one more day
to say goodbye.

What Should've Been

I can hear every word
you ever said
in my head
over and over
again
about my body,
my face
and how the two
couldn't be
more different,
worse for wear
and desperate
for them both
to be more like you.

But I'm not you.
I'm a foot taller
and three feet wider -
something you
loathed
and reminded me of
every day.

Maybe you envied
me
and how much I could eat
without a thought
or care in the world,
like my life
or happiness
or your love
didn't depend on it.

But it did.
It always mattered.
Every word,
every look,
everything
you never said
in between the lines
of disapproval
and unhappiness.

It always mattered
more than it should,
more than any thought
or word
should
because I loved you
and wanted you to love
me
the way you
were supposed to -
without doubt
or dreams
of making me
who I never could be -
with unending,
unconditional,
and unwavering
adoration
that someone like me
came out of
someone like you.