I'm Not There

I'd like to think
you're out there
somewhere
dreaming of me too,
conjuring me in your head
like a birthday wish
or magic spell
and hoping someday
I'll be real.

But maybe you're not.

Maybe instead
you're going on with life
and meeting the next best thing
since you haven't met me
and she's good enough.

Maybe she isn't everything
you want or need
and you know
she might not ever be
who you thought
you'd end up with.

But then again
she's warm to your touch,
her hair smells nice
on your pillow,
her name fits
inside yours so easily,
and she's there
every day
the way I'm not.

I wonder if "there"
is even real.
How can it be
without me?

Security

I have locked my heart

in an iron cage

and thrown away

the only key. 

The heart beats

drumming against

the iron walls

are my only company.

There's no need

to send help

or to try

and break me free. 

Don't you see?

I did this to myself. 

That way

I can't hurt you

and you can't hurt me. 

Ink-Stained Secrets

Every word I write

must be typed or written

in ball point pen.

No
No. 2 pencils

or automatic

click

click 

click 

pencils

I can gnaw the erasers

off of
will do.

Ink-stained regret
that doesn't wash out
with the next wash
is the kind of permanence
I need
when I write
the words
'I love you'.

Words I can't take back
and will never want to
no matter how little
you deserve them.

I write them in a note
that I fold into fours
and light on fire.
Just because
I love you,
it doesn't mean
you have to know. 

This Weight

There is a heaviness

in my heart

that took up residence

when you left. 

It's a permanent 

sort of thing,

this weight. 

A change of address

took place

but nothing changed.  

It is years

of laughter

and tears

and every memory

in between,

this weight,

and I can't seem

to set it down. 

My heart holds on

as it grows stronger

from carrying around

the burden of you

and I know

I will never be rid

of it,

this weight.

Life Without You

I pick up the phone
to call you

and tell you about my day

but the number I'd dial

isn't yours anymore. 

To say I miss you

will never be enough. 

I still haven't figured out

how to live

somewhere

you no longer

exist

or have never

even visited.

I wish I could go back

and find you again

but even the ghost

of you is gone,

and I feel like

an asthmatic 

always trying

to catch my breath.

There's just never

enough air.

Not here, not there,

not anywhere I look 

because you are gone

and you are not

coming back. 

There's no cure

for the hole

you left in my chest

when you took

that last gasp of air.

We suffocated

together 

even though 

you're the only one

they buried.

I put the phone down
along with the life
I imagined for myself
when you were still here.

Someday I'll remember
I can't call you anymore,
but that day is not today.

Numbers

If I counted the days

from my first breath

to today,

I would find I've lived

12,479 days so far. 

If I counted the days

your heart beat drummed,

I'd see that you lived

just 22,958 days in all. 

I can't imagine

that my life is more

than half over. 

Of course I never

thought yours 

would end so soon. 

The loss

is heavy on my heart,

like a 10 pound weight

hooked in 

and dragging it down

into my stomach. 

It's been 4 years,

which seems like a lot

but then I look

at how many days

you have been gone - 

1,646 days -

and it seems 

so much less

somehow. 

Now numbers

define me.

452

300

7.8

239

34

How empty

the numbers are

that matter so much.

Remembering The Fallen of 9/11

I will not forget you,

my fallen friends,

even if I didn't know you

we are still kindred.

The world stops in silence

and we silently hope you hear

the prayers we say to remember you

every single year.

We light candles

and erect monuments

in the hopes

no one will ever forget

because the sacrifice

you made that day

isn't one any of us

thought we'd have to make.

Almost 3,000 souls

were forced to say goodbye

and so many more since

without ever asking why.

It started out quiet

like any day in September,

but ended with us in mourning

as our hearts burned with the embers

of all that was lost.

We cannot cry enough

or remember you enough

or hope for enough

or love enough.

We cannot, we will not

ever forget.